Time to Turn It Around

As I look at myself over the last year, I am proud of what I see.  Only what I see.  I have lost 50 pounds.  Holy Crap!!!!!! That's a child right there.  I'm proud of that.  I still have my weaknesses when it comes to food.  I know I'm an emotional eater.  There are days when I was massively stressed out, that I would starve myself, because I was too afraid that food would become my crutch.  That is just as unhealthy as being an emotional eater.   I am still struggling with that.  While I'm excited and proud of how my body is starting to look like it used to again, on the inside I hate myself.  It's what you can't see that I'm not proud of.  I have never been one to stick to any diet or workout plan.  It's just not me.  This year is different though.  Why?  Well, because I hate myself on the inside and this is my way of escaping.  I'm throwing myself into working out to escape the reality of my life.  I have friends that are struggling with so much more.  I don't feel right burdening them with my problems.  My problems are nothing compared to their struggles.  I have thrown myself into my diets and workouts.  It is my escape.  Much like my work.  Don't get me wrong, I do have a newfound love for being healthy.  I love that I don't feel like poo every day.  But, I do feel like poo.  Just a different kind of poo.  I'm struggling with a lot.  

My 11 year old told me today that he's depressed.  What?!?!?!?!  How does he even know what that is????  What did I do wrong?!?!?!?  My first thought was that I have so totally screwed up my child for life and I can't undo it.  I didn't even see it happen.  I have one child.  How the hell did I miss this?!?!?!?!  Mother of the Year.  Not this year.  I know it's a process.  It didn't just happen overnight.  I know that it will take work.  I know I'm not the only one in this.  I have help.  I have partners in this.  Being the one that spends the most time with him, I feel solely responsible.  There I go again.  I'm taking all the weight of the burden.  Not sharing.  Weren't we taught to share as kids???  Why can I not share this????  What is wrong with me???  I had a good conversation.  I did find out some of the contributing factors.  Is Ry depressed?  I don't know.  I'm not a doctor.  Is he sad?  Yes.  He's stuck in the middle of a crappy situation that he has no control over.  Can I help him cope.  I think so.  I need to share this burden though.  I need advice.  I need to communicate this info with his dads.  Yes, that is supposed to be plural.  I did spell that right.  He has two dads.  Part of the crappy situation I can help with on my end.  I just have to learn how myself.  I have help there too.  I just need to accept it.  The other part, I have no control over and I need to accept that as well.  Why on earth do I feel like I need to make everything perfect.  Why can't I just accept that life is a bitch and that I have no control over what she throws my way.  How on earth can I teach Ry to roll with the punches, when I myself go nuts trying to control it all.  I'm seriously screwed up I think.  

Then my marriage.  Oh there is a can of worms.  It's not right.  It's broken and I don't know how to fix it.  Again, what's with trying to fix everything????  I am not a happy person.  I have changed since I got married.  My husband has changed since we got married.  Our lives have been turned upside down and back again so often in the last 9 years, that I have lost track of which way is up.  Is this what it's supposed to be like?  Every time I think our problems are over and all is right with the world again, flip!  turned upside down again.  Remember those things we had as kids with the water and colored oil.  You'd turn them over and they had to go through all these obstacles to get to the other side, and as soon as it settled, you'd turn it over again.  Well, that has been my entire adult life.  Who the hell did I piss off to draw this hand????  Can I fold and start over???  What gives????  I just try to bury it all and move on.  It will go away if I ignore it right????   NOT!!!!!  How can I get happy again???  I was happy when I got married.  I was happy for a long time.  Then I got fat.  Then I got sad.  Now I'm getting skinny, but I'm still sad.  Oh I have good times and fun, but I'm still sad inside.  I know my marriage needs work.  I need work.  

I had a friend tell me tonight that I'm not alone.  God is good.  He does have a plan.  He will provide a way.  He has.  I just need to treat it like I do my body.  Push past the uncomfortable and the hurt.  Once I do, I will get to the other side.  She said, "it will get worse before it gets better"  Thank you.  You called me so late tonight so that I could talk.  That's twice you have listened when I needed to talk.  You don't know me very well, and yet you have been an amazing friend.  God put you there.  God is working through you to show us where to find the tools we need.  I pray that God blesses you the way you have been blessing me this last week.  Right now, I'm one ugly person on the inside.  I'm hurting and angry and sad.  That will change.  Much like I shed the weight of my body, I will shed the weight of the negative emotions.  Only then can I be beautiful inside and out.

Too funny not to post!!!

I know it's been a couple of months since my last post, I need to get better about that. It does get crazy around here with 2 boys, a spouse and a roomie!!! That and with school starting up, there is just tons to do and not enough time to do it in!!!!

So anyway, I'm trolling around Facebook this morning and I find this post from a friend titled "Random Things People Our Age Think/Say" I'm sorry, but I just have to repost this......It's too funny not to. It's also definitely a sign of the times!!!

Thank you Ashley R!!!!!!

Here it is:

"Random Things People Our Age Think/Say"

~~Feel free to make any additions in comments and I can edit accordingly~~

-I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

-More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

-Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

-I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

-Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

-That's enough, Nickelback.

-I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

-Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I 
do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

-Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

-There is a great need for sarcasm font.

-Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first saw it.

-I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

-How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

-I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

- I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

-The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

- A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

- Was learning cursive really necessary?

- Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

- Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

- My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.

- Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

- How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

- Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

-What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

- While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

- MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

- Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

- I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

-Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

- I would like to officially coin the phrase 'catching the swine flu' to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight woman. Example: "Dave caught the swine flu last night."

-I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

- Bad decisions make good stories

-Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

- Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

-If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

-Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....

-You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

-Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

-There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

-I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

- "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

-I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

-I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

-When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

-I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

-Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

- As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

-Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

-It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

-I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

-Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

-Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

-My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

-It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

-I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

-I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

-I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

-The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

Not a good day.

I'm not having a very good day.  I woke up with a flare up.  I know exactly what caused it.  I had two slices of pizza last night.  The bread got me.  I force myself out of bed, because my husband's care is at my parents house and someone has to take Ry to school.  Admittedly I'm not in the best mood.  I hurt, and I just want to lay in bed.

I had my spark, my supplements and my shake in the car.  I get Jim to his car, Ry to school, run to the doctors office, to get his prescription.  While there, the new office manager hassles me because Ry and I have different last names.  She actually wasn't going to let me pick up his prescription.  I was rude back.  I know....I should have been more patient....I wasn't.  Reread above.  I'm not in a good mood.  So after finally proving that yes, I am Ry's mom and yes, I do have the authority to pick up his meds, I run to the pharmacy.  What pharmacy doesn't open until 10????  Really????  I go home.  I will drop it off on the way to work.

 I am now back in bed.  For lunch I make another horrible food choice.  I get one of those 100 calorie sandwich breads that are flat, throw 1/4c of cheese on it and nuke the sucker.  Add a small bag of sun chips and you have a carb feast for lunch.  All loaded with gluten.  Reread above.  I hurt.  I don't feel like leaving again to go and pick up a salad.  I don't feel like cooking eggs to make this somewhat healthier, and there is no way in hell I'm going to defrost chicken or tilapia and frozen veggies for lunch.  It's not a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, but it's close.....What's sad is I only ate 1/2 of the lunch.  I now have an upset stomach to go with my body pain.  I know if I go and run or walk, I will feel better, but I hurt and I just want to roll over and sleep.

These are the days that are the hardest for me.  I have a girls night planned with a good friend and a jewelry party just before.  I feel so bad, I don't want to go, yet I want to go sooooo bad!!!!!

These were the days that would sabotage my previous weight loss attempts.  I would make a bad food choice and think "That's it.  It's over.  Why try?"  I would stay in bed for days after feeling like I have failed the world.  I felt like everybody was ashamed of me.  I felt like I wasn't good for anyone.  Looking back, that was a serious emotional struggle for me.  I would let one day like today totally derail me.  Then I'd start over in a few months, and do good for a month and have a bad day.  Then it would derail me again.  Once again, I'd feel like I did before.  I knew then just as well as I know now, that it wasn't true, yet I'd let my emotions rule my brain.

Today is a bad day.  I'm not happy with myself for making poor food choices.  This was not because I'm emotionally compromised.  This was out of laziness and not feeling like doing anything that takes any effort.  If nothing else today, I will go to work.  Enjoy the job I have been so blessed to have been given.  I will have fun at this party tonight, and then I will have fun on my girl's night after.

 Tomorrow is a new day.  No mistakes....yet.  I am not perfect.  This will not sideline me.  I have not come this far, just to go back.  I have made many poor food choices on this weight loss journey.  I have paid for it in pain, weight gain, and sickness.....I will move past and carry on.  That is what has made this journey to weight loss successful thus far.  I acknowledged my mistake and moved on.  Maybe I will go for a run later.  It's a perfect day for it.  For right now, I'm still in bed.  Curled up in a blanket and wallowing in my pain.....Tomorrow is a new day........

Now where did I put that bottle of naproxen???????

Admitting I'm Only Me

Today is an amazing day.  I finally have my phone, my Advocare is in.  My homework is done....(for now) and I have some truly amazing friends that make my day awesome.  I am going to focus on just being me.  I'm a mom, a wife, and a friend.  That is all I need to be.  I don't need to keep trying to prove people wrong anymore.  I know I am a good mom, even when I make mistakes.  I know I'm a good friend, even though I make mistakes there too.  I know I'm a good wife, and yes, I screw up there a lot too.  I will get an education.  I'm taking a break after my associates.  I can still work for the schools.  I can still support my family.  I am still smart, no matter what any piece of paper I do or don't have says.  I need help being reminded of this.  I have many days when even though I know these facts, I still don't feel good about myself.  I have made many mistakes in my life.  I still will make many more.

For those that told me that I was not mom material, you were sooooo wrong.  I'm not perfect, I make mistakes there, but my son is a straight A student, a great ball player, a leader, a friend, and he is sweet and loving.  He has a heart of gold.  He is a friend to those that have none.  He is a better person than I was at that age.  He is respectful to his friends and elders.  Even when they are not respectful to him.  So if that isn't being a good mom, then I don't know what is.  I don't know many kids his age that are like him.  My son is being raised in a broken home.  I know this.  We are honest with him and answer questions that he has about it.  Brad, Jim and I work as a team.  Some days are better than others.  My son has a HUGE family that loves him.  Many people think that our family style is weird.  It may be for them, but for Ryan, this is normal.  It is stable and loving.  That is what a child needs.  Children need love and stability.  He has both.  Even when it comes from two homes.

For those that told me my marriage wouldn't last....Yes, there were some....They know who they are.  You guys were wrong.  I know y'all thought I'd be divorced after a few years.  After all, I couldn't make things work with Ryan's dad, how would I make a marriage work.  I am for right now.  My marriage isn't perfect.  I will put it out there now, it is very rocky at the moment.  We have been married for 8.5 years.  Marriage needs work.  Sometimes we both work at it, and sometimes only one does.  Right now, we are struggling.  We have had many things hit us in the last year, as well as Ryan going through a bad phase of defiance that has finally ended, that put a strain on us.  We stopped focusing on making us work and let the struggles divide us.  Many things have been said and done to hurt the other on both sides.  There is a lot of hurt and anger between us right now.  The ability to trust that your life partner and spouse will protect you is not there on both sides.  That is a hard thing to live with.  I put this out there, not for any sympathy.  I don't want that.  I want our friends and family to hold us accountable to work on these things to make our marriage work.  When I said I do, I meant for life.  Right now, that looks like an endless dark tunnel, and I don't want that.  I want to see the light.  I don't want to walk away because it's "too hard"  I want to know that we gave it our best.  I want those people to know that I know marriage is hard work and that I'm willing to put in the hard work to keep it alive.  Right know I have hope.  Somedays I don't.  I have asked my husband to try 110% every day.  I need to be reminded sometimes to do the same.  Hold me accountable friends and family.  Some days it's not hard to try.  Other days, I have to make myself try.  Either way it doesn't matter.  You didn't want to have any part in the second most important day in my life.  If we make it out of this tunnel intact, I don't think you will be included in what we choose to do to celebrate that.

As for those same people that said I'd never get an education.  I will have my associates this spring.  However, I choose not to include you in the celebration save for one.  This person has made it known to me how highly they think of how I've changed in the last 11 years.  This person has made it crystal clear.  That is the one person that will be included in these celebrations.  When I graduate, I will include this one and family.  This person has been behind me every step of the way, even through the skepticism.  I will send pictures of course and an announcement, but only a select few that have been behind me and supported me for the last 11 years, will be a part of these celebrations.  Why, because they knew I could do it if I set my mind to it, and I have.

As for spending the rest of my life proving naysayers wrong, in time I will.  I will no longer push myself to do so.  You will just have to wait.  My son will grow into a wonderful man, a loving husband and a doting father and a grandfather that will spoil his grandchildren beyond belief.  We may not see all this in our lifetimes, but when we are in heaven, don't think I won't tell you "I told you so".  I may never get a Bachelor's degree.  I may.  I leave that in God's hands.  He will take care of me and my family.  He has done so up until now and I know he will continue to do so.

So I will say it now.  You were all wrong about me.  I am strong.  I'm a good mom.  I'm a good wife.  I'm a good friend.  I'm a good person.  I'm not perfect, nor will I ever be.  I'm just me.  If you don't want to take me as I am, then take a hike.  I don't need you or your low opinion of me.  I have many people that love me as I am.  I will continue to surround myself with those people.  They are the ones that truly matter.

My Journey To A Healthier Me

In the last eight years, I have stopped taking care of myself and let myself get extremely out of shape and unhealthy.  Simply put, I got fat.  I couldn't keep up with my son or my husband.  May 2011, I got up to 189 pounds.  For my 6'3" husband, that's a good weight.  On my 5'0" body, not so good.  

May 2011 189 lbs

Over the summer I started eating better.  I cut out a LOT of the carbs from my diet and eating lean chicken.  I was eating a salad for lunch.  I was still skipping breakfast though.  That's not good for the metabolism.  I was still feeling like crap though.  I still had no energy.  This next photo was taken on a trip to Chicago with my family.  I had lost about 13 pounds.

August 2011 176 lbs 

I had my last Dr. Pepper on Halloween 2011.  I drink a meal replacement shake for breakfast and I have a Spark about 30 minutes before I eat my lunch.  I have a salad for lunch, and I am still eating chicken for dinner.  I have a TON more energy.  I am able to wear jeans and pants that haven't fit in 4 years.  This next photo was taken today.

January 2012 164 lbs 

Side View January 2012

I plan on keeping a food journal starting in the next few days.  I keep up with the food in my fitness app on my phone and iPad, but I'm going to start taking pictures and posting recipes.  The recipes may be a little harder because Jim does all the cooking, but I'm going to try.  I will also start posting my workouts as well.  This is mostly for my benefit because I want to see where I was and where I'm going.  It's hard to see the change on a day by day basis when I look in the mirror, but when I look at the pictures, I can see the change.

*UPDATE*  *UPDATE*  *UPDATE*

I have lost more weight since my last post.  It is now July.  I am down to 144 now.  Here is a picture taken last weekend after a date night with my husband.  I am now a size 9/10.  I only have 30 pounds left to go to get to my goal.  I have started working more hours too.  I work for a gym now, so it's even easier to get my workouts in.  We have some excellent trainers there.  I LOVE my life right now!!!!

July 2012

Work and School

With school being shelved...yet again....I'm going back to work.  Ryan is old enough now, we feel comfortable having both of us working again.  It's been four years since I last worked full time.  I've already applied for a couple of Admin Assistant jobs in Fort Worth.  I'm not in any rush to find a job though.  I am looking for a position close by where Jim works so that we can save the gas and commute together.  Brad is still in school for another semester so we will have time to figure out how to get Ryan home from school in the afternoons.  He is getting old enough to start staying home alone, and my parents live close enough that if something happens they can help.  My parents can also keep Ryan at their house after school.  Baseball practices and Karate will be a bit of an issue, but maybe I can tap some of his friends parents to help us with that.  The two jobs I have applied for are both with TCC.  I'm also looking at other locations in Fort Worth.  The extra income will help us save more.  Plus the insurance would be nice.  I have been pretty lucky so far with not having insurance, but that will only last so long.  It will be nice to keep challenging myself.  It's nice to know that the grey mass between my ears actually works.  It will be nice to be living comfortably again.  I miss the days of not worrying about bills and how they were going to get paid and how late I could pay a bill before service got shut off.

A Week I Will Never Forget

Ryan's First Photo
September 9, 2001

September 11, 2001.  This is a day we will never forget.  For me this will always be a bittersweet day.  That morning, Brad and I were preparing to bring Ryan home from the hospital.  Ryan's birthday is 9/9/01.  That morning I remember being in my room, nursing Ryan while they were trying to do our final labs so that we could go home.  Brad had not yet made it to the hospital that morning.  I had the news on and they were talking about an explosion at the World Trade center.  A few minutes later, I saw the second plane hit the other building.  My heart sank.  They were talking on the news about other planes missing and other attacks.  You see, I woke up that morning scared already.  I was 20.  I had a newborn son.  I was leaving the hospital and getting ready to be a mom.  I wasn't even close to being ready to be a mom.  I was scared.  I remember my mother in law calling.  She was scared too.  She wanted us to get out of Dallas as soon as possible.  She wanted us to get home as soon as possible.  I was scared out of my mind at that point.  We left the hospital as soon as they said I could.  I forgot a few things that I will never get back.  We never got his prints taken.  We never got the newborn photos.  We left without his birth certificate.  We got to my parents house and continued watching the news that day.  I didn't know about the Pentagon being hit or the plane going down in Pa. until we got home.  In my mind, I knew that Ryan's birthday would forever and always be associated with 911.  By the time we had gotten home, both towers of the World Trade Center had collapsed.  What a way to start off motherhood.  In the days that followed the eeriest part to me was not hearing any planes....it was absolutely silent.  We lived just a short drive from DFW.  There was always air traffic.  It was always landing air traffic.  The silence of those days was just unnerving to me.  To this day seeing an airplane on approach and flying low jolts me.  Even though it happens many times a day.  Today, I've hardly seen or heard an airplane.  It's a little eerie.  There is never silence.

I have seen all the footage many times.  We have talked about it many times.  It's not a secret.  Ryan knows that it happened.  This week there have been specials on TV all week.  As I sat to watch one documentary this past week, Ryan sat to watch it with me.  It didn't dawn on me that he has never actually seen what happened, he was just told about it.  He started getting upset about what he was seeing.  I asked him what he was seeing that was upsetting him.  He told me that he had never seen what happened, he knows because we have always talked about it and he hears it on the radio around his birthday.  I asked him if he wanted me to turn off the TV and he said yes.  This morning when we woke up, we watched a show with all the footage from the 102 minutes of time from when the first plane hit, until the North Tower came down.  He stuck around for a bit then went to watch a show in the other room.

Friday my son turned ten.  Today, it's been ten years since 911.  I'm so thankful for the life God trusted me with.  I mourn for those whose lives were cut short.  It weighs heavy on my heart today that I can be so happy for the last 10 years of my life, when thousands of lives were taken in an instant.  Thousands of families that didn't have that time.  It hurts.  I didn't lose anybody that I knew.  I lost my sense of safety.  I lost my sense of security.  Even with the heavy police presence this weekend, I don't always feel safe anymore.  I miss the world that I grew up in.  I miss the world I knew that my son never will.  I've never been comfortable in an airplane, now I will never set foot in one again.  This summer my son, his dad and grandparents flew to California to go to Disney.  As soon as they were out of site at the airport, I just sat and cried.  I could not sleep that night until they called to let me know that they made it safely.  I cried myself to sleep that night.  I had nightmares.  They called as they were about to board the plane on the way home.  I couldn't relax until he was safe in my arms again.  That week he was gone, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't breathe.  I was in a constant state of anxiety until he was home again.  Every time my phone rang, my heart sank until I heard his voice on the other end.  Ten years and a day ago, I never would have thought twice about it.  I would have missed him, but I wouldn't have been that anxious.

This is a new world that we live in.  I don't like it.  Not one bit.  I wish that this had never happened.  I wish that this wouldn't always coincide with his birthday.  I will forever know how many years it's been.  I will know because it will be the same age as my son.  It is forever etched in me.  It hurts that he has to know that ignorance is our worst enemy.  Extremism is our worst enemy.  We must not be a nation divided.  We must stand together and show the ignorant extremists that they will never win.

So as I send my condolences and prayers to the families that lost fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, daughters and sons, I also celebrate.  The life of my son has been a blessing every year for the last ten years.  My son will continue to be a blessing for the rest of my life.

My thoughts and prayers are with your families this day.

Happy Birthday to you my son.  You will forever be a blessing.

Ryan 10 Years old