Admitting I'm Only Me

Today is an amazing day.  I finally have my phone, my Advocare is in.  My homework is done....(for now) and I have some truly amazing friends that make my day awesome.  I am going to focus on just being me.  I'm a mom, a wife, and a friend.  That is all I need to be.  I don't need to keep trying to prove people wrong anymore.  I know I am a good mom, even when I make mistakes.  I know I'm a good friend, even though I make mistakes there too.  I know I'm a good wife, and yes, I screw up there a lot too.  I will get an education.  I'm taking a break after my associates.  I can still work for the schools.  I can still support my family.  I am still smart, no matter what any piece of paper I do or don't have says.  I need help being reminded of this.  I have many days when even though I know these facts, I still don't feel good about myself.  I have made many mistakes in my life.  I still will make many more.

For those that told me that I was not mom material, you were sooooo wrong.  I'm not perfect, I make mistakes there, but my son is a straight A student, a great ball player, a leader, a friend, and he is sweet and loving.  He has a heart of gold.  He is a friend to those that have none.  He is a better person than I was at that age.  He is respectful to his friends and elders.  Even when they are not respectful to him.  So if that isn't being a good mom, then I don't know what is.  I don't know many kids his age that are like him.  My son is being raised in a broken home.  I know this.  We are honest with him and answer questions that he has about it.  Brad, Jim and I work as a team.  Some days are better than others.  My son has a HUGE family that loves him.  Many people think that our family style is weird.  It may be for them, but for Ryan, this is normal.  It is stable and loving.  That is what a child needs.  Children need love and stability.  He has both.  Even when it comes from two homes.

For those that told me my marriage wouldn't last....Yes, there were some....They know who they are.  You guys were wrong.  I know y'all thought I'd be divorced after a few years.  After all, I couldn't make things work with Ryan's dad, how would I make a marriage work.  I am for right now.  My marriage isn't perfect.  I will put it out there now, it is very rocky at the moment.  We have been married for 8.5 years.  Marriage needs work.  Sometimes we both work at it, and sometimes only one does.  Right now, we are struggling.  We have had many things hit us in the last year, as well as Ryan going through a bad phase of defiance that has finally ended, that put a strain on us.  We stopped focusing on making us work and let the struggles divide us.  Many things have been said and done to hurt the other on both sides.  There is a lot of hurt and anger between us right now.  The ability to trust that your life partner and spouse will protect you is not there on both sides.  That is a hard thing to live with.  I put this out there, not for any sympathy.  I don't want that.  I want our friends and family to hold us accountable to work on these things to make our marriage work.  When I said I do, I meant for life.  Right now, that looks like an endless dark tunnel, and I don't want that.  I want to see the light.  I don't want to walk away because it's "too hard"  I want to know that we gave it our best.  I want those people to know that I know marriage is hard work and that I'm willing to put in the hard work to keep it alive.  Right know I have hope.  Somedays I don't.  I have asked my husband to try 110% every day.  I need to be reminded sometimes to do the same.  Hold me accountable friends and family.  Some days it's not hard to try.  Other days, I have to make myself try.  Either way it doesn't matter.  You didn't want to have any part in the second most important day in my life.  If we make it out of this tunnel intact, I don't think you will be included in what we choose to do to celebrate that.

As for those same people that said I'd never get an education.  I will have my associates this spring.  However, I choose not to include you in the celebration save for one.  This person has made it known to me how highly they think of how I've changed in the last 11 years.  This person has made it crystal clear.  That is the one person that will be included in these celebrations.  When I graduate, I will include this one and family.  This person has been behind me every step of the way, even through the skepticism.  I will send pictures of course and an announcement, but only a select few that have been behind me and supported me for the last 11 years, will be a part of these celebrations.  Why, because they knew I could do it if I set my mind to it, and I have.

As for spending the rest of my life proving naysayers wrong, in time I will.  I will no longer push myself to do so.  You will just have to wait.  My son will grow into a wonderful man, a loving husband and a doting father and a grandfather that will spoil his grandchildren beyond belief.  We may not see all this in our lifetimes, but when we are in heaven, don't think I won't tell you "I told you so".  I may never get a Bachelor's degree.  I may.  I leave that in God's hands.  He will take care of me and my family.  He has done so up until now and I know he will continue to do so.

So I will say it now.  You were all wrong about me.  I am strong.  I'm a good mom.  I'm a good wife.  I'm a good friend.  I'm a good person.  I'm not perfect, nor will I ever be.  I'm just me.  If you don't want to take me as I am, then take a hike.  I don't need you or your low opinion of me.  I have many people that love me as I am.  I will continue to surround myself with those people.  They are the ones that truly matter.