Ryan is 13!!!

13 years ago today, my whole world was turned upside down.  I may have been 20, but I was still a baby myself.  I became a mom.  From then on, my world has been centered on one person.  Ryan.  I was terrified.  There wasn't a nurturing bone in my body then, let alone maternal instinct.  I was struggling in a relationship and trying to figure out this "mom" thing.  Every day was a struggle.  Every day was ripping me to shreds.  It was very hard.  I kept wondering if the struggle would ever end.  Each day seemed harder than the day before.  I suppose I had choices, but I didn't feel like I did.  I felt so alone.  The funny thing is, I wasn't.  Not by a long shot.  Ry's dad and I didn't make it, but that in no way diminished the support I had.  In fact, it only strengthened the bond with his family.  Ry took a major spill shortly after he started walking.  That instant feeling in my heart and my gut finally matched up with my brain.  I can't explain it.  Once I got off the phone with the Dr. and got him checked out, that's when it hit.  I am a mom.  I can do this.  I'm not alone.  As I write this, I have tears in my eyes.  I finally felt that connection.  That bond between a mother and her child.  That unbreakable string connecting the two.  From there my world changed again.  It was easier.  I did know what I was doing.  What I didn't know in my brain, my body instinctively knew what to do.  Every day of the last 13 years, I've had not just one, but many by my side.  Oh sure, we've all had our fights.  Some more than others. (Y'all know who you are!  LOL)  We've all fought for one common thing though.  What's best for Ryan.  There are many of us that want the best for him.  We all have very strong and dominant personalities.  I'm sure we will have many more fights for the rest of our lives.  I wouldn't trade the last 13 years for anything.  Each year up until now, his birthday was just another birthday.  Not a big deal.  He's such a cutie.  This year is different.  He's not my baby anymore.  He's not my little boy anymore.  He's in a new school for the first time since 2nd grade.  He's in a different environment altogether for the first time in his life.  Expectations are far different than they were just a year ago.  My "yittle guy" is a young man now.  He's handled the change as if it were no big deal.  He's thriving too!  He's involved already in many things.  I can't believe that those days that seemed to never end have not only ended, but 13 years of never-ending days have passed.  I'm not needed as much, except for being a taxi.  He does so much on his own now.  Things I did for him every day for years it seemed.  Soon he won't need me at all.  I fear that time is coming quickly and sooner than I'd like.  I'm so proud and happy about how well he's thriving this year in school.  I'm so proud at how responsible and mature he is.  (Compared to me at that age.)  I just can't believe some days that this is the baby that I cradled in my arms for a year.  The toddler that took off running once he figured out how to walk.  The little guy that made friends so easily wherever he went.  The little boy that was always so loving and sweet all the time.  The tween that still wasn't too cool for his parents.  The boy that is proud of his family.  No matter how "odd" our family looks to outsiders.  And now I have a teenager.  Who still loves his parents and isn't afraid to show the world.  The teenager that sees now that our family is different from "normal" families and understands why and is proud of us anyway.  Some days I felt as if I was a failure as a mom.  I don't do the crafty room mom things.  I'm just not that creative.  I don't bake treats for the bake sales.  I don't bake much if at all.  I don't have the creative teacher gifts that are so cute.  Some days, I only got out of bed to take him to school and pick him up.  Those days he just laid with me when he got home and "took care of mom"  The love in his heart just overwhelms me.  Somedays I wonder where that came from.  This young man has a spirit in him and a love in him that is greater than anything I could have asked God for.  I've not been the perfect patient example of what a mom should be.  As a matter of fact, I'm probably the poster child for how not to handle some things.  He's been my world.  I wonder sometimes, how could this wonderful young man have come from me.