NOW HEAR THIS!!!!!

Now hear this people!!!

 I love yall, and I love getting to go out to eat with yall, but I will NO longer go to the local greasy spoon or fat filled restaurant.  If you want us with you, there must be healthy alternatives on the menu.  What I mean by that is, I have to be able to find the nutrition facts for said restaurant on the internet somewhere.  I am only eating healthy gluten free.  If you really want us but really want that greasy spoon, do NOT be offended if I bring my own meal shake with me.  That is why I have gained back some of this weight and been stuck at a plateau.

This goes for my whole family.  We will ONLY eat gluten free clean food.  I am NOT ashamed to bring shakes or alternatives for us.  If the restaurant is not cool with our diet restrictions and bringing an alternative, then my family and I don't need to eat there.

 I am enforcing this on Ryan, because I know genetically, he is predisposed to diabetes, heart disease obesity and high blood pressure.  I am aware that he is really skinny now, but teaching him to eat nothing but crap now means he will eat nothing but crap all his life.  I was teeny tiny all my life and even into my mid 20's.  I then blew up like a ballon and have had many health problems as a result.  I will NOT have Ry go through that.  If you can't be supportive in me teaching my family to live a healthy lifestyle, then get to steppin, because we don't need crap in our lives.  I am sick and tired of hearing excuses as to why my skinny husband and son should be able to eat crap.  I am not being too hard on my family.  I know many people that have health problems related to their diets, they know that is what is causing the problems and do absolutely nothing to change that.  I have no sympathy.  I'm sorry, but y'all are bringing this on yourselves.  I will NOT live like that any more.  I refuse to be a prisoner in my own body.

Don't you dare judge me for only wanting my son to eat clean healthy food.  That is NOT torture people.  That is teaching him to lead a healthy life.  Since when did it become child abuse to make your child eat healthy food?  My job as a mom, is to raise a healthy, happy child that can take care of himself, and his family and lead a healthy adult life.  If that is child abuse, well then, I sure am abusing the hell out of that boy.  He is happy, relatively healthy and can already do many things around the house most children and adults can't even do.  I think that is a damn good thing.

If you don't like that, then cut me out of your life.  If all you want is crap in your life, I want no part of it.  I have my own personal demons to deal with.  If you can't be a positive influence or you don't want a positive influence in your life, then you don't want me or my family in your life.

Done.

It's me again God.

Dear God,
  It's me again.  I have spent the better part of the last two weeks angry at You.  I have railed against You and Your wisdom and timing.  I have faulted you for things that You didn't do but You let happen.

Sitting here tonight enjoying the giddiness of my husband as he works on a side project, the light bulb turned on.

Shortly before our house was broken into was when Jim was first approached about this side project. We didn't think he'd get it at first because somebody wanted to donate the work for free. Unfortunately we aren't in a position to do that. Fast forward and our house has been burglarized and some very expensive to replace things have been taken.

Sitting here tonight I realize, You knew what was going to happen, so You lined up this project so that we could replace some of what had been taken.   In my anger, I was too blind to see what was in front of my face.  My anger should not be at You but at the jerks that did this. Tug at their hearts Lord. I will work in mine to forgive them.

Tina

Dear God

Dear God,

I am struggling here.  I don't know what to do and I can't control how I feel.  There has been so much that has hit me this year.  Why?  I am not that strong.  I am ok with you testing me and testing my husband, but do you really think Ry is old enough to be tested?  I am not supposed to question you.  You are God.  You are all knowing.  I can't help it.  Like my son question's my decisions at times, I am questioning yours.  I know you felt his pain.  You felt it as keenly if not more so than I did.  Why let him be hurt like that.  He is just a child.  He is still innocent.  I don't know your plan.  Everybody is telling me that you let this happen because you have bigger blessings in store.  At this moment with the pain, fear and loneliness coursing through me at every waking moment, I don't know if I really want what's coming.  My adult life has been a test at nearly every turn.  I know I did things backwards.  So does that mean I can't have any more children.  Is that my punishment?  I know I get short with Ry.  Hello???  Do you NOT remember my teen years?  Or my childhood?  I know he is NOTHING like I was.  But he does test my patience.  Something I never had much of to begin with.  So, since I'm not the perfect all patient mom, does that mean you won't let me have more children?  What about Jim?  Why punish him for MY mistakes???  Yea, I know I didn't marry Ry's dad.  Marriage is for LIFE.  You know that one of us would have ended up in an early grave.  Besides, I never would have had the friendship and family I do had I married him.  Isn't that better for Ry versus a family that would fight all the time?  I think he's much happier this way than he would have been.  Besides, how many boys have TWO cool dads?  Not many.  With more dad's bailing on their children, Ry is blessed with TWO!!  I'd like to think that is a gift from You.  I'm not complaining about our finances.  We have always found a way to make it work.  Sometimes we needed help, but we have always gotten through.  I know the things that were taken were just that, things.  Some of those "things" had photos.  Videos that I will never have a chance to replace.  Memories can be taken away.  Photos are tangible memories.  Now they are gone.  Why Ry's stuff.  He worked hard to earn that money.  He worked hard to be able to pay for the games.  My parent's split the cost of a gift that they couldn't afford to split because it was for Ry.  Why let him be hurt that way?  I don't know your reasons and I don't know your ways.  You have left me in a state that I am struggling with.  Even surrounded by my family, I am so very alone.  I am broken.  I no longer know where to turn.  I no longer know what my purpose is here.  I thought I did.  Now I just feel as if I am here.  That's it.  No direction.  No purpose.  I don't know how to take that hurt away from my son.  I don't know how to help my husband with this because he just never talks.  I am alone here.  I am hurting here.  I am scared out of my mind here.  I no longer trust the faces looking at me.  I no longer know friend or foe.  Every stranger is now somebody that just wants to hurt me.  I am SO angry at you for letting these things happen.  I am never going to be the same.  It's all your fault!  I still love you, but right now, I am sooooo angry at you!  I don't know your ways, or your reasons, but I can feel angry.  Just like Ry gets angry at me.  I know he loves me, but he is angry.  I love you God, but I am mad as hell right now.  I need some time to think.  I don't know how to process all of this inside of me.

With my deepest love
Tina


P.S.

Please don't make judgements.  We all get angry with God for letting bad things happen.  Some of us can handle that better than others, and some just never admit it at all.  I am saying it out loud.  I am admitting that I am angry as hell about things.  Let me express that.  Don't judge me.  John 8:4-7

Time to Turn It Around

As I look at myself over the last year, I am proud of what I see.  Only what I see.  I have lost 50 pounds.  Holy Crap!!!!!! That's a child right there.  I'm proud of that.  I still have my weaknesses when it comes to food.  I know I'm an emotional eater.  There are days when I was massively stressed out, that I would starve myself, because I was too afraid that food would become my crutch.  That is just as unhealthy as being an emotional eater.   I am still struggling with that.  While I'm excited and proud of how my body is starting to look like it used to again, on the inside I hate myself.  It's what you can't see that I'm not proud of.  I have never been one to stick to any diet or workout plan.  It's just not me.  This year is different though.  Why?  Well, because I hate myself on the inside and this is my way of escaping.  I'm throwing myself into working out to escape the reality of my life.  I have friends that are struggling with so much more.  I don't feel right burdening them with my problems.  My problems are nothing compared to their struggles.  I have thrown myself into my diets and workouts.  It is my escape.  Much like my work.  Don't get me wrong, I do have a newfound love for being healthy.  I love that I don't feel like poo every day.  But, I do feel like poo.  Just a different kind of poo.  I'm struggling with a lot.  

My 11 year old told me today that he's depressed.  What?!?!?!?!  How does he even know what that is????  What did I do wrong?!?!?!?  My first thought was that I have so totally screwed up my child for life and I can't undo it.  I didn't even see it happen.  I have one child.  How the hell did I miss this?!?!?!?!  Mother of the Year.  Not this year.  I know it's a process.  It didn't just happen overnight.  I know that it will take work.  I know I'm not the only one in this.  I have help.  I have partners in this.  Being the one that spends the most time with him, I feel solely responsible.  There I go again.  I'm taking all the weight of the burden.  Not sharing.  Weren't we taught to share as kids???  Why can I not share this????  What is wrong with me???  I had a good conversation.  I did find out some of the contributing factors.  Is Ry depressed?  I don't know.  I'm not a doctor.  Is he sad?  Yes.  He's stuck in the middle of a crappy situation that he has no control over.  Can I help him cope.  I think so.  I need to share this burden though.  I need advice.  I need to communicate this info with his dads.  Yes, that is supposed to be plural.  I did spell that right.  He has two dads.  Part of the crappy situation I can help with on my end.  I just have to learn how myself.  I have help there too.  I just need to accept it.  The other part, I have no control over and I need to accept that as well.  Why on earth do I feel like I need to make everything perfect.  Why can't I just accept that life is a bitch and that I have no control over what she throws my way.  How on earth can I teach Ry to roll with the punches, when I myself go nuts trying to control it all.  I'm seriously screwed up I think.  

Then my marriage.  Oh there is a can of worms.  It's not right.  It's broken and I don't know how to fix it.  Again, what's with trying to fix everything????  I am not a happy person.  I have changed since I got married.  My husband has changed since we got married.  Our lives have been turned upside down and back again so often in the last 9 years, that I have lost track of which way is up.  Is this what it's supposed to be like?  Every time I think our problems are over and all is right with the world again, flip!  turned upside down again.  Remember those things we had as kids with the water and colored oil.  You'd turn them over and they had to go through all these obstacles to get to the other side, and as soon as it settled, you'd turn it over again.  Well, that has been my entire adult life.  Who the hell did I piss off to draw this hand????  Can I fold and start over???  What gives????  I just try to bury it all and move on.  It will go away if I ignore it right????   NOT!!!!!  How can I get happy again???  I was happy when I got married.  I was happy for a long time.  Then I got fat.  Then I got sad.  Now I'm getting skinny, but I'm still sad.  Oh I have good times and fun, but I'm still sad inside.  I know my marriage needs work.  I need work.  

I had a friend tell me tonight that I'm not alone.  God is good.  He does have a plan.  He will provide a way.  He has.  I just need to treat it like I do my body.  Push past the uncomfortable and the hurt.  Once I do, I will get to the other side.  She said, "it will get worse before it gets better"  Thank you.  You called me so late tonight so that I could talk.  That's twice you have listened when I needed to talk.  You don't know me very well, and yet you have been an amazing friend.  God put you there.  God is working through you to show us where to find the tools we need.  I pray that God blesses you the way you have been blessing me this last week.  Right now, I'm one ugly person on the inside.  I'm hurting and angry and sad.  That will change.  Much like I shed the weight of my body, I will shed the weight of the negative emotions.  Only then can I be beautiful inside and out.