Admitting I'm Only Me

Today is an amazing day.  I finally have my phone, my Advocare is in.  My homework is done....(for now) and I have some truly amazing friends that make my day awesome.  I am going to focus on just being me.  I'm a mom, a wife, and a friend.  That is all I need to be.  I don't need to keep trying to prove people wrong anymore.  I know I am a good mom, even when I make mistakes.  I know I'm a good friend, even though I make mistakes there too.  I know I'm a good wife, and yes, I screw up there a lot too.  I will get an education.  I'm taking a break after my associates.  I can still work for the schools.  I can still support my family.  I am still smart, no matter what any piece of paper I do or don't have says.  I need help being reminded of this.  I have many days when even though I know these facts, I still don't feel good about myself.  I have made many mistakes in my life.  I still will make many more.

For those that told me that I was not mom material, you were sooooo wrong.  I'm not perfect, I make mistakes there, but my son is a straight A student, a great ball player, a leader, a friend, and he is sweet and loving.  He has a heart of gold.  He is a friend to those that have none.  He is a better person than I was at that age.  He is respectful to his friends and elders.  Even when they are not respectful to him.  So if that isn't being a good mom, then I don't know what is.  I don't know many kids his age that are like him.  My son is being raised in a broken home.  I know this.  We are honest with him and answer questions that he has about it.  Brad, Jim and I work as a team.  Some days are better than others.  My son has a HUGE family that loves him.  Many people think that our family style is weird.  It may be for them, but for Ryan, this is normal.  It is stable and loving.  That is what a child needs.  Children need love and stability.  He has both.  Even when it comes from two homes.

For those that told me my marriage wouldn't last....Yes, there were some....They know who they are.  You guys were wrong.  I know y'all thought I'd be divorced after a few years.  After all, I couldn't make things work with Ryan's dad, how would I make a marriage work.  I am for right now.  My marriage isn't perfect.  I will put it out there now, it is very rocky at the moment.  We have been married for 8.5 years.  Marriage needs work.  Sometimes we both work at it, and sometimes only one does.  Right now, we are struggling.  We have had many things hit us in the last year, as well as Ryan going through a bad phase of defiance that has finally ended, that put a strain on us.  We stopped focusing on making us work and let the struggles divide us.  Many things have been said and done to hurt the other on both sides.  There is a lot of hurt and anger between us right now.  The ability to trust that your life partner and spouse will protect you is not there on both sides.  That is a hard thing to live with.  I put this out there, not for any sympathy.  I don't want that.  I want our friends and family to hold us accountable to work on these things to make our marriage work.  When I said I do, I meant for life.  Right now, that looks like an endless dark tunnel, and I don't want that.  I want to see the light.  I don't want to walk away because it's "too hard"  I want to know that we gave it our best.  I want those people to know that I know marriage is hard work and that I'm willing to put in the hard work to keep it alive.  Right know I have hope.  Somedays I don't.  I have asked my husband to try 110% every day.  I need to be reminded sometimes to do the same.  Hold me accountable friends and family.  Some days it's not hard to try.  Other days, I have to make myself try.  Either way it doesn't matter.  You didn't want to have any part in the second most important day in my life.  If we make it out of this tunnel intact, I don't think you will be included in what we choose to do to celebrate that.

As for those same people that said I'd never get an education.  I will have my associates this spring.  However, I choose not to include you in the celebration save for one.  This person has made it known to me how highly they think of how I've changed in the last 11 years.  This person has made it crystal clear.  That is the one person that will be included in these celebrations.  When I graduate, I will include this one and family.  This person has been behind me every step of the way, even through the skepticism.  I will send pictures of course and an announcement, but only a select few that have been behind me and supported me for the last 11 years, will be a part of these celebrations.  Why, because they knew I could do it if I set my mind to it, and I have.

As for spending the rest of my life proving naysayers wrong, in time I will.  I will no longer push myself to do so.  You will just have to wait.  My son will grow into a wonderful man, a loving husband and a doting father and a grandfather that will spoil his grandchildren beyond belief.  We may not see all this in our lifetimes, but when we are in heaven, don't think I won't tell you "I told you so".  I may never get a Bachelor's degree.  I may.  I leave that in God's hands.  He will take care of me and my family.  He has done so up until now and I know he will continue to do so.

So I will say it now.  You were all wrong about me.  I am strong.  I'm a good mom.  I'm a good wife.  I'm a good friend.  I'm a good person.  I'm not perfect, nor will I ever be.  I'm just me.  If you don't want to take me as I am, then take a hike.  I don't need you or your low opinion of me.  I have many people that love me as I am.  I will continue to surround myself with those people.  They are the ones that truly matter.

Blessings.....

Ok, so I said I was going to post more throughout the Holidays......Well time got away from me and it never happened.....That's no surprise.  I'm sitting here watching the old Transformers cartoons with Ryan and Brad....It's so funny looking at those two......They are sprawled out on the floor in the living room....I know if Jim were here he would be on the floor with them watching the show too.  He will be here soon....His bus comes in around 5:50 in the evening....I'm blessed having such a great family around me....I was reminded again how blessed I am with the Warner family as part of my family....Brad's sister stood up for me when somebody was attacking me and my family and the relationship that we have....I know that it's not what everybody considers "normal" with blended families, but you know what?  It needs to be the "normal" today......I've seen how the bitterness between the parents has affected my friends growing up.  I refused to marry anybody but Mr. Right......It turned out that Mr. Right wasn't Ryan's father, but that doesn't matter....We have chosen to do what's best for Ryan....Brad and I don't always get along, I will be the first to admit that....Jim and I don't always get along either.  We all want what's best for our family.  We aren't always going to agree on everything.

If there is one thing I learned as an adopted child, your family is not always defined by blood relations.  If that was the case, then I didn't have any family until Ryan was born, then when I found Vicky and met my brothers and sister.  Honestly, I've been adopted by more than just my Mom and Dad.  In 7th grade, by best friend and her family "adopted" me.  They are still my family to this day.  When Ryan came along, Brad's family adopted me.  Then after Brad and I broke up, they still kept me around.  We didn't always get along or see eye to eye, then again, we still don't.  We have learned how to communicate better with each other now.  When I married Jim, not only was he "adopted" by my family, he was "adopted" by Brad's family as well.  Is that the "norm"?  No it's not.  At least not what the average person considers the norm.  It's the norm for us.  It works for us.  Somebody said that they feel like Jim is sharing his marriage with Brad and his family.  He's not.  The only other person Jim shares this marriage with is Ryan.  Ryan always has been and always will be my number one priority.  Jim knew this from day one.  I was accused of hiding the truth about Brad and Ryan from Jim when we first got together.  That couldn't be further from the truth.  Jim knew from the moment we met that I had a son, and had a decent relationship with Brad and the Warner family.  He knew from day one what the relationship was and how it was going to be.  I actually told him that if he didn't like it, he could head for the door.  Jim made the choice to stick around and be a part of this family unit.  When things started to sour with Brad and I, Jim stepped in and mended the friendship between me, Brad and his family.  I myself have spent almost all of Ryan's birthdays, Thanksgivings, and Christmases with Brad and his family.  When Jim came he joined us too.  Brad and his family have always welcomed us into their home, and likewise they are always welcome in ours.  Ryan is a very well adjusted boy when it comes to being a part of a blended family.  I don't understand why people can't see that.  Jim and I have been married for almost 7 years.  He does everything he can to ensure Ryan's best interests.  Jim and I have a very strong marriage.  We have had many ups and downs during this time.  Not a single one of the bad times was a result of the relationship with Brad's family.  I wish people could look beyond their noses and the whole situation before passing judgment.  Ironically, the problems in our marriage that we have had, were a result of the narrowmindednes of these judgemental people.  To some people, I never have been and never will be "right" for Jim.  It's a good thing that Jim is a "big boy" and can make his own decisions regarding his life.

My 30th birthday is right around the corner and I'm thankful that in the short time I have been on this earth,God has blessed me with much.  He has taught me many lessons in my life, and I look forward to learning many more.

I am thankful for the family God has made for me.  They are not all my blood family, but they are my family still and I'm glad that God chose them for me.

Ryan's Trip To The Radio

I tried to embed a video earlier and I guess it didn't work.  Before Christmas, Ryan got a special treat to visit the KVIL radio station. Every morning we listen to the Gene and Julie show and we play along with the Big Fat Liar bit. Here is the audio and a few photos that we took while we were there.

Thanks & Adoption

This month is a month for being thankful for all our blessings. This month is also National Adoption Month. I'm in a unique position where I can combine both. 30 years ago today, my mother was 25 weeks pregnant with me. She was probably showing fairly well. She was probably feeling me move around and kick. As hyper as I was as a child, I imagine I was fairly active in her tummy. I was about the size of an eggplant. My mother was also facing a very difficult decision. At that point she had already decided not to abort her unplanned pregnancy. You see, my mother was only 17. She was not in a position where she could provide for a baby and raise a child. The decision she was facing was placing me for adoption. As a mother of an unplanned child, I can tell you that once you feel this life moving inside you, your love grows by leaps and bounds. It's a feeling that I can't describe, but it's wonderful. Ultimately my mother placed me for adoption. The family that adopted me loved me since before I was born. My parents had tried to have another baby after my sister was born. They weren't successful, so they decided to adopt. They gave me the live that my mother wanted me to have, but couldn't give me. I can't say that I made their job easy, but they loved me no matter what I did or said. To this day I am thankful not only to Mom and Dad, but to my Mother as well. Together the three of them shaped me into the adult and mother that I am today. They all shaped the decisions I would make and the life that I am blessed to have. I would like to share a poem that I hold near to my heart that says how I feel quite well.

Once there were two women who never knew each other.

One you do not remember, the other you call Mother.

Two different lives shaped to make you one.

One became your guiding star, the other became your sun.

The first one gave you life, and the second taught you to live it.

The first gave you a need for love. The second was there to give it.

One gave you a nationality. The other gave you a name.

One gave you a talent. The other gave you aim.

One gave you emotions. The other calmed your fears.

One saw your first sweet smile. The other dried your tears.

One sought for you a home that she could not provide.

The other prayed for a child and her hope was not denied.

And now you ask me, through your tears,

the age-old question unanswered through the years.

Heredity or environment, which are you a product of?

Neither, my darling. Neither. Just two different kinds of Love.

~Author Unknown~

This month, I am thankful for the choice of adoption. It's a truly difficult choice to make and one filled with more love than can be put into words.

Thank you Mom and Dad for choosing to give me a home and raise me.

Thank you Mom for loving me so much that you were willing to part with me for so long.

I love all three of you more than I could ever put into words. God has a special place waiting for you guys when it's time for you to ascend into Heaven.

Posted with love,

Tina De La Rosa Halley,

Daughter of Kathie and Phil De La Rosa

Daughter of Vicky Carter.

Here is a picture of my Mom's and I at my wedding.

From L to R:

Ronnie, Vicky, Me, Kathie, Ana

My birthfamily is on the left,

and my family that raised me is on the right.