Dear God,
I am struggling here. I don't know what to do and I can't control how I feel. There has been so much that has hit me this year. Why? I am not that strong. I am ok with you testing me and testing my husband, but do you really think Ry is old enough to be tested? I am not supposed to question you. You are God. You are all knowing. I can't help it. Like my son question's my decisions at times, I am questioning yours. I know you felt his pain. You felt it as keenly if not more so than I did. Why let him be hurt like that. He is just a child. He is still innocent. I don't know your plan. Everybody is telling me that you let this happen because you have bigger blessings in store. At this moment with the pain, fear and loneliness coursing through me at every waking moment, I don't know if I really want what's coming. My adult life has been a test at nearly every turn. I know I did things backwards. So does that mean I can't have any more children. Is that my punishment? I know I get short with Ry. Hello??? Do you NOT remember my teen years? Or my childhood? I know he is NOTHING like I was. But he does test my patience. Something I never had much of to begin with. So, since I'm not the perfect all patient mom, does that mean you won't let me have more children? What about Jim? Why punish him for MY mistakes??? Yea, I know I didn't marry Ry's dad. Marriage is for LIFE. You know that one of us would have ended up in an early grave. Besides, I never would have had the friendship and family I do had I married him. Isn't that better for Ry versus a family that would fight all the time? I think he's much happier this way than he would have been. Besides, how many boys have TWO cool dads? Not many. With more dad's bailing on their children, Ry is blessed with TWO!! I'd like to think that is a gift from You. I'm not complaining about our finances. We have always found a way to make it work. Sometimes we needed help, but we have always gotten through. I know the things that were taken were just that, things. Some of those "things" had photos. Videos that I will never have a chance to replace. Memories can be taken away. Photos are tangible memories. Now they are gone. Why Ry's stuff. He worked hard to earn that money. He worked hard to be able to pay for the games. My parent's split the cost of a gift that they couldn't afford to split because it was for Ry. Why let him be hurt that way? I don't know your reasons and I don't know your ways. You have left me in a state that I am struggling with. Even surrounded by my family, I am so very alone. I am broken. I no longer know where to turn. I no longer know what my purpose is here. I thought I did. Now I just feel as if I am here. That's it. No direction. No purpose. I don't know how to take that hurt away from my son. I don't know how to help my husband with this because he just never talks. I am alone here. I am hurting here. I am scared out of my mind here. I no longer trust the faces looking at me. I no longer know friend or foe. Every stranger is now somebody that just wants to hurt me. I am SO angry at you for letting these things happen. I am never going to be the same. It's all your fault! I still love you, but right now, I am sooooo angry at you! I don't know your ways, or your reasons, but I can feel angry. Just like Ry gets angry at me. I know he loves me, but he is angry. I love you God, but I am mad as hell right now. I need some time to think. I don't know how to process all of this inside of me.
With my deepest love
Tina
P.S.
Please don't make judgements. We all get angry with God for letting bad things happen. Some of us can handle that better than others, and some just never admit it at all. I am saying it out loud. I am admitting that I am angry as hell about things. Let me express that. Don't judge me. John 8:4-7
