Admitting I'm Only Me

Today is an amazing day.  I finally have my phone, my Advocare is in.  My homework is done....(for now) and I have some truly amazing friends that make my day awesome.  I am going to focus on just being me.  I'm a mom, a wife, and a friend.  That is all I need to be.  I don't need to keep trying to prove people wrong anymore.  I know I am a good mom, even when I make mistakes.  I know I'm a good friend, even though I make mistakes there too.  I know I'm a good wife, and yes, I screw up there a lot too.  I will get an education.  I'm taking a break after my associates.  I can still work for the schools.  I can still support my family.  I am still smart, no matter what any piece of paper I do or don't have says.  I need help being reminded of this.  I have many days when even though I know these facts, I still don't feel good about myself.  I have made many mistakes in my life.  I still will make many more.

For those that told me that I was not mom material, you were sooooo wrong.  I'm not perfect, I make mistakes there, but my son is a straight A student, a great ball player, a leader, a friend, and he is sweet and loving.  He has a heart of gold.  He is a friend to those that have none.  He is a better person than I was at that age.  He is respectful to his friends and elders.  Even when they are not respectful to him.  So if that isn't being a good mom, then I don't know what is.  I don't know many kids his age that are like him.  My son is being raised in a broken home.  I know this.  We are honest with him and answer questions that he has about it.  Brad, Jim and I work as a team.  Some days are better than others.  My son has a HUGE family that loves him.  Many people think that our family style is weird.  It may be for them, but for Ryan, this is normal.  It is stable and loving.  That is what a child needs.  Children need love and stability.  He has both.  Even when it comes from two homes.

For those that told me my marriage wouldn't last....Yes, there were some....They know who they are.  You guys were wrong.  I know y'all thought I'd be divorced after a few years.  After all, I couldn't make things work with Ryan's dad, how would I make a marriage work.  I am for right now.  My marriage isn't perfect.  I will put it out there now, it is very rocky at the moment.  We have been married for 8.5 years.  Marriage needs work.  Sometimes we both work at it, and sometimes only one does.  Right now, we are struggling.  We have had many things hit us in the last year, as well as Ryan going through a bad phase of defiance that has finally ended, that put a strain on us.  We stopped focusing on making us work and let the struggles divide us.  Many things have been said and done to hurt the other on both sides.  There is a lot of hurt and anger between us right now.  The ability to trust that your life partner and spouse will protect you is not there on both sides.  That is a hard thing to live with.  I put this out there, not for any sympathy.  I don't want that.  I want our friends and family to hold us accountable to work on these things to make our marriage work.  When I said I do, I meant for life.  Right now, that looks like an endless dark tunnel, and I don't want that.  I want to see the light.  I don't want to walk away because it's "too hard"  I want to know that we gave it our best.  I want those people to know that I know marriage is hard work and that I'm willing to put in the hard work to keep it alive.  Right know I have hope.  Somedays I don't.  I have asked my husband to try 110% every day.  I need to be reminded sometimes to do the same.  Hold me accountable friends and family.  Some days it's not hard to try.  Other days, I have to make myself try.  Either way it doesn't matter.  You didn't want to have any part in the second most important day in my life.  If we make it out of this tunnel intact, I don't think you will be included in what we choose to do to celebrate that.

As for those same people that said I'd never get an education.  I will have my associates this spring.  However, I choose not to include you in the celebration save for one.  This person has made it known to me how highly they think of how I've changed in the last 11 years.  This person has made it crystal clear.  That is the one person that will be included in these celebrations.  When I graduate, I will include this one and family.  This person has been behind me every step of the way, even through the skepticism.  I will send pictures of course and an announcement, but only a select few that have been behind me and supported me for the last 11 years, will be a part of these celebrations.  Why, because they knew I could do it if I set my mind to it, and I have.

As for spending the rest of my life proving naysayers wrong, in time I will.  I will no longer push myself to do so.  You will just have to wait.  My son will grow into a wonderful man, a loving husband and a doting father and a grandfather that will spoil his grandchildren beyond belief.  We may not see all this in our lifetimes, but when we are in heaven, don't think I won't tell you "I told you so".  I may never get a Bachelor's degree.  I may.  I leave that in God's hands.  He will take care of me and my family.  He has done so up until now and I know he will continue to do so.

So I will say it now.  You were all wrong about me.  I am strong.  I'm a good mom.  I'm a good wife.  I'm a good friend.  I'm a good person.  I'm not perfect, nor will I ever be.  I'm just me.  If you don't want to take me as I am, then take a hike.  I don't need you or your low opinion of me.  I have many people that love me as I am.  I will continue to surround myself with those people.  They are the ones that truly matter.

A Week I Will Never Forget

Ryan's First Photo
September 9, 2001

September 11, 2001.  This is a day we will never forget.  For me this will always be a bittersweet day.  That morning, Brad and I were preparing to bring Ryan home from the hospital.  Ryan's birthday is 9/9/01.  That morning I remember being in my room, nursing Ryan while they were trying to do our final labs so that we could go home.  Brad had not yet made it to the hospital that morning.  I had the news on and they were talking about an explosion at the World Trade center.  A few minutes later, I saw the second plane hit the other building.  My heart sank.  They were talking on the news about other planes missing and other attacks.  You see, I woke up that morning scared already.  I was 20.  I had a newborn son.  I was leaving the hospital and getting ready to be a mom.  I wasn't even close to being ready to be a mom.  I was scared.  I remember my mother in law calling.  She was scared too.  She wanted us to get out of Dallas as soon as possible.  She wanted us to get home as soon as possible.  I was scared out of my mind at that point.  We left the hospital as soon as they said I could.  I forgot a few things that I will never get back.  We never got his prints taken.  We never got the newborn photos.  We left without his birth certificate.  We got to my parents house and continued watching the news that day.  I didn't know about the Pentagon being hit or the plane going down in Pa. until we got home.  In my mind, I knew that Ryan's birthday would forever and always be associated with 911.  By the time we had gotten home, both towers of the World Trade Center had collapsed.  What a way to start off motherhood.  In the days that followed the eeriest part to me was not hearing any planes....it was absolutely silent.  We lived just a short drive from DFW.  There was always air traffic.  It was always landing air traffic.  The silence of those days was just unnerving to me.  To this day seeing an airplane on approach and flying low jolts me.  Even though it happens many times a day.  Today, I've hardly seen or heard an airplane.  It's a little eerie.  There is never silence.

I have seen all the footage many times.  We have talked about it many times.  It's not a secret.  Ryan knows that it happened.  This week there have been specials on TV all week.  As I sat to watch one documentary this past week, Ryan sat to watch it with me.  It didn't dawn on me that he has never actually seen what happened, he was just told about it.  He started getting upset about what he was seeing.  I asked him what he was seeing that was upsetting him.  He told me that he had never seen what happened, he knows because we have always talked about it and he hears it on the radio around his birthday.  I asked him if he wanted me to turn off the TV and he said yes.  This morning when we woke up, we watched a show with all the footage from the 102 minutes of time from when the first plane hit, until the North Tower came down.  He stuck around for a bit then went to watch a show in the other room.

Friday my son turned ten.  Today, it's been ten years since 911.  I'm so thankful for the life God trusted me with.  I mourn for those whose lives were cut short.  It weighs heavy on my heart today that I can be so happy for the last 10 years of my life, when thousands of lives were taken in an instant.  Thousands of families that didn't have that time.  It hurts.  I didn't lose anybody that I knew.  I lost my sense of safety.  I lost my sense of security.  Even with the heavy police presence this weekend, I don't always feel safe anymore.  I miss the world that I grew up in.  I miss the world I knew that my son never will.  I've never been comfortable in an airplane, now I will never set foot in one again.  This summer my son, his dad and grandparents flew to California to go to Disney.  As soon as they were out of site at the airport, I just sat and cried.  I could not sleep that night until they called to let me know that they made it safely.  I cried myself to sleep that night.  I had nightmares.  They called as they were about to board the plane on the way home.  I couldn't relax until he was safe in my arms again.  That week he was gone, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't breathe.  I was in a constant state of anxiety until he was home again.  Every time my phone rang, my heart sank until I heard his voice on the other end.  Ten years and a day ago, I never would have thought twice about it.  I would have missed him, but I wouldn't have been that anxious.

This is a new world that we live in.  I don't like it.  Not one bit.  I wish that this had never happened.  I wish that this wouldn't always coincide with his birthday.  I will forever know how many years it's been.  I will know because it will be the same age as my son.  It is forever etched in me.  It hurts that he has to know that ignorance is our worst enemy.  Extremism is our worst enemy.  We must not be a nation divided.  We must stand together and show the ignorant extremists that they will never win.

So as I send my condolences and prayers to the families that lost fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, daughters and sons, I also celebrate.  The life of my son has been a blessing every year for the last ten years.  My son will continue to be a blessing for the rest of my life.

My thoughts and prayers are with your families this day.

Happy Birthday to you my son.  You will forever be a blessing.

Ryan 10 Years old

God's Work

For a while now I've had a single prayer that I have been praying.

During church.
In bed.
On the couch.
In the car.

You get the idea.....I have been wondering how to encourage my husband to lead us spiritually without leading him spiritually.  I know I am no where close to the perfect example of how a wife should be to her husband.  I'm trying.  It goes completely against the grain of what this world has taught me.  My father was very much a teacher of don't take crap from anybody for any reason.  Don't rely on others to do what you can do for yourself.  He didn't want my sister and I to grow up thinking that we had to rely on somebody else to take care of us when we grew up.  He wanted his daughters to be independent women.  My sister has somehow managed to achieve a balance with her husband.

I on the other hand had some relationships that went sour.  Those relationships affected how I have treated my husband.  I took the reigns from the beginning.  I made the decisions.  I picked the church.  I was in charge of how my son was raised.  Jim was just along for the ride.  Most of our close friends know how well that has worked out.

We have a good friend that had a few counseling times with us.  It really opened my eyes on what kind of wife God wants me to be.  Boy did I screw that one up.  I have been really trying hard.  I know I still screw up.....a lot....  I try to remember to pray about it more than I do.  We haven't had a church home in a while.  The small group that we had been in had grown and split so much that we didn't really know anybody in our group anymore.  I felt more like a burden to them than a friend.  We were more plugged in to our group than the church itself.  Probably not a good thing but that's what happened.  We finally stopped attending church altogether.

When the marriage really got on shaky ground, that was a wake up call to me that we were spiraling way far away from where God wants us.  We tried one church that seemed ok in the beginning....The problem is, from day one, we were never greeted....by anyone.  We had to seek people out for information.  For me, that's a red flag.  Jim seemed kind of interested so we kept going.  I tried to join the choir, but I learned rather quickly that I wasn't a member of their clique.  I never truly felt welcome there either.  We looked for a home group.  The first one they matched us up with had children my age and grandchildren Ryan's age.  The second group disbanded after we met with them.  It just didn't really feel like they were really listening to what we were saying.

One Tuesday, after reading a friend's blog, I called her and asked her where she went to church.  She invited Jim and I to come with.

Yes, I know, twice now, I have presented to church choices to Jim.  I said that I'm trying.

That very first Sunday they were having a discovery class.  Jim really wanted to go.  Unfortunately we had prior engagements and couldn't make it.  This made my heart so happy.  We have continued to attend this church.

The very first home group we tried, we are all about the same life stage.  Our kids are all pretty close to the same age.  Some of us are blended families.  I was even called this afternoon by the group leader to see how I was feeling.  I don't think I've ever been called out of the blue like that.

Sunday morning we asked our pastor if he had lunch plans.  He said to check with his wife and if they were free, he'd love to go.  I've only been to one church where the pastor didn't make us wade through all sorts of channels to have some time with him.  Of course, that was a very scary day for Jim and I.  That's another entry. 

Every Sunday, it seems like God is talking directly to us.  One Sunday our pastor was talking about Audacious Prayer.  I already had my prayers lined up.  One of them was answered immediately. (I'm not going into that one though)  The second one I'm seeing God working to answer that one.  Bit by bit, He is pulling at my husband's heart.  This week, while I've been so sick, I've twice asked Jim to pray for me.  While I wait for him to pray, I placed my hand over his heart and asked God to give Jim the words and the desire.  Both times God has answered.  

I know I myself am one giant audacious prayer.  I am no where near the wife that God wants me to be, but I am longing for my husband to be the leader that God wants him to be in our marriage.  I wish I knew my Bible well enough to find those scriptures every time, but for now I will have to settle with finding them as I go and making a note to remember when I come back.

I can see God working in my family.  My son has started a Bible Study with the church and a devotional just for him that he does every day.   Every day he asks if he can borrow my bible because he doesn't have one.  For my birthday, I'm going to buy Ryan his own Bible that he can underline and make notes in and love on as I'm starting to do with my own.
The first time he saw me mark on mine, he asked if I was allowed to do that, as if I had just marked in a library book.
My reply was what one of my youth pastors told me a LONG time ago:

 "God wants us to make notes.  That's how we love on our Bibles.  We make notes, underline, highlight and bookmark scripture for future reference.  You can never read the Bible the same way twice."

I want my son to long for God in his life the way I do.  I know I have a LOT of work, but we are all God's work.

I know as I'm writing this, I'm scattered and a little ADD.  There has just been so much going on, and I don't want to forget.  Every week I think we are getting a little closer to joining the church.  That is not going to be my decision though.  That will be entirely up to Jim.

Every Sunday that we have been at this church, we have been greeted multiple times.  People remember us the following week.  Even the pastor remembers who we are.  That says a LOT to me.  My standards are not God's standards though.  I look forward to Sundays now more than ever.  It's nice to know that the people at your church know who you are and care about you.  Even if they have only known you for a month.

 I'm really looking forward to growing in Christ and hopefully joining the church.  I feel like it's home.  I can see that God is working in Jim.  I can see God's work in me too.  When I would see prayer requests in an email or on Facebook, sometimes I would pray and sometimes I wouldn't.  It depended on how close to the person I was.  Yea, I know, not good.  Now when I see a request, I stop and say a quick prayer.  I don't pray with the usual "if it's your will Lord" disclaimer.  I pray for the healing.  I pray for the person that made the request.  God doesn't want us to pray with a disclaimer.  He wants us to pray Audacious Prayers.

I pray that God continues to work in me and Jim.  I pray that he helps us in our marriage to have a Godly marriage.  I want to be the wife that God commands me to be.  I want Jim to be husband that God commands him to be.  We have a LOT of work ahead, but with God, NOTHING is impossible.

What can we say about such wonderful things as these?

If God is for us, who can ever be against us?

Romans 8:31

Thinking Out Loud

As I sit here in my room thinking, I'm reminding myself to be thankful. It's easy to have a pity party and say why me, or why not me. Why can't I have that or why do they get that, I'm a better person. The truth is, I have a lot. I have a roof over my head. We are blessed with a pretty big apartment that we can afford. My husband has a job. I have a couple of friends that have been out of work for some time now. I have food to eat in my refrigerator. I have a friend who has been eating oatmeal and Mac & Cheese for a week. I have a wonderful 9 year old son that is well behaved and that loves to learn and likes school. What child loves school???? I have a great family and friend support system that helps us when we fall short. Tonight my Ex's Mom bought some school clothes for Ryan and gave us a gift card for school supplies. The relationship with with my ex and his family is great. I love them and I am glad we are still family even though Brad and I couldn't work things out. That is a great thing for my son. How many broken homes truly function like ours does. My husband is a good friend to Ryan's dad and Ryan's dad is a good friend to Jim. My husband is a wonderful man that will stay up with me until 3AM to comfort me when I'm in pain. Even when he has to be on the bus to work by 6:30AM. My husband loves me and takes care of me even when I am crabby to him. My father has had many close calls with his health, but God still has some work for him here. I have a business that my father and I do together. I get to spend time with my Daddy that I missed out on years ago. My parents help us in ways I can't even begin to describe. I have a best friend who would and has moved heaven and earth if that's what I asked. She knows me in ways nobody else ever will with the exception of Jim. I the feel the world may be safer that way...Hehehe...I can talk to her about anything. I feel that she truly knows me inside and out. Plus she has stuck around for 16 years. That says something.....Hehehe....

Are we financially rich?

No.

Are we rich with possessions?

No.

Are we rich with family?

Yes.

Are we rich with our friends?

Yes.

Are we rich in love?

Yes.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I need to stop thinking about and wanting what we don't have and be thankful for what we do have. We are rich in many ways that people aren't. God has given us many things. God has carried us when we couldn't walk on our own. God has walked beside us other times. We believe we have found a church that we feel can feed us what we need. We met with a Lifegroup last Sunday that we both like too. The best part was for the first time, Ryan begged us to take him back. He was also able to tell us what he learned in Sunday School other than video games. He was talking about the ripples that God uses to move us to make ripples in other people's hearts...I'm paraphrasing and I'm sure when Ryan reads this he will correct me. But that statement from him warmed my heart in a way I can't describe. I look forward to more conversations with him like that. I know that I have stepped back a bit from God in the last year, but I need him and I feel him tugging in my heart to change things. I've started with my relationships with my husband and son. I have not been the best wife and mother in the last year or so. I'm working to change that. I'm not perfect, nor will I be, and I do still make mistakes, but I know that with practice, and determination I will improve.

This entry has been very theraputic for me to sit down and lay it out. I'm going to try harder to put my thoughts down and not hold it inside. It won't always be pretty entries. I'm sure there will be venting going on too. But the more I hold it in, the more that explodes later. I'd rather not have to clean up the mess later and just deal with it as it comes. If I offend, I apologize. I'm not here to be politically correct. I don't think God made us to be PC either. I speak my mind and it's not always nice or PC, but that's what's on my mind.

1 Corinthians 10:31

Kristina