Time to Turn It Around

As I look at myself over the last year, I am proud of what I see.  Only what I see.  I have lost 50 pounds.  Holy Crap!!!!!! That's a child right there.  I'm proud of that.  I still have my weaknesses when it comes to food.  I know I'm an emotional eater.  There are days when I was massively stressed out, that I would starve myself, because I was too afraid that food would become my crutch.  That is just as unhealthy as being an emotional eater.   I am still struggling with that.  While I'm excited and proud of how my body is starting to look like it used to again, on the inside I hate myself.  It's what you can't see that I'm not proud of.  I have never been one to stick to any diet or workout plan.  It's just not me.  This year is different though.  Why?  Well, because I hate myself on the inside and this is my way of escaping.  I'm throwing myself into working out to escape the reality of my life.  I have friends that are struggling with so much more.  I don't feel right burdening them with my problems.  My problems are nothing compared to their struggles.  I have thrown myself into my diets and workouts.  It is my escape.  Much like my work.  Don't get me wrong, I do have a newfound love for being healthy.  I love that I don't feel like poo every day.  But, I do feel like poo.  Just a different kind of poo.  I'm struggling with a lot.  

My 11 year old told me today that he's depressed.  What?!?!?!?!  How does he even know what that is????  What did I do wrong?!?!?!?  My first thought was that I have so totally screwed up my child for life and I can't undo it.  I didn't even see it happen.  I have one child.  How the hell did I miss this?!?!?!?!  Mother of the Year.  Not this year.  I know it's a process.  It didn't just happen overnight.  I know that it will take work.  I know I'm not the only one in this.  I have help.  I have partners in this.  Being the one that spends the most time with him, I feel solely responsible.  There I go again.  I'm taking all the weight of the burden.  Not sharing.  Weren't we taught to share as kids???  Why can I not share this????  What is wrong with me???  I had a good conversation.  I did find out some of the contributing factors.  Is Ry depressed?  I don't know.  I'm not a doctor.  Is he sad?  Yes.  He's stuck in the middle of a crappy situation that he has no control over.  Can I help him cope.  I think so.  I need to share this burden though.  I need advice.  I need to communicate this info with his dads.  Yes, that is supposed to be plural.  I did spell that right.  He has two dads.  Part of the crappy situation I can help with on my end.  I just have to learn how myself.  I have help there too.  I just need to accept it.  The other part, I have no control over and I need to accept that as well.  Why on earth do I feel like I need to make everything perfect.  Why can't I just accept that life is a bitch and that I have no control over what she throws my way.  How on earth can I teach Ry to roll with the punches, when I myself go nuts trying to control it all.  I'm seriously screwed up I think.  

Then my marriage.  Oh there is a can of worms.  It's not right.  It's broken and I don't know how to fix it.  Again, what's with trying to fix everything????  I am not a happy person.  I have changed since I got married.  My husband has changed since we got married.  Our lives have been turned upside down and back again so often in the last 9 years, that I have lost track of which way is up.  Is this what it's supposed to be like?  Every time I think our problems are over and all is right with the world again, flip!  turned upside down again.  Remember those things we had as kids with the water and colored oil.  You'd turn them over and they had to go through all these obstacles to get to the other side, and as soon as it settled, you'd turn it over again.  Well, that has been my entire adult life.  Who the hell did I piss off to draw this hand????  Can I fold and start over???  What gives????  I just try to bury it all and move on.  It will go away if I ignore it right????   NOT!!!!!  How can I get happy again???  I was happy when I got married.  I was happy for a long time.  Then I got fat.  Then I got sad.  Now I'm getting skinny, but I'm still sad.  Oh I have good times and fun, but I'm still sad inside.  I know my marriage needs work.  I need work.  

I had a friend tell me tonight that I'm not alone.  God is good.  He does have a plan.  He will provide a way.  He has.  I just need to treat it like I do my body.  Push past the uncomfortable and the hurt.  Once I do, I will get to the other side.  She said, "it will get worse before it gets better"  Thank you.  You called me so late tonight so that I could talk.  That's twice you have listened when I needed to talk.  You don't know me very well, and yet you have been an amazing friend.  God put you there.  God is working through you to show us where to find the tools we need.  I pray that God blesses you the way you have been blessing me this last week.  Right now, I'm one ugly person on the inside.  I'm hurting and angry and sad.  That will change.  Much like I shed the weight of my body, I will shed the weight of the negative emotions.  Only then can I be beautiful inside and out.