My Journey To A Healthier Me

In the last eight years, I have stopped taking care of myself and let myself get extremely out of shape and unhealthy.  Simply put, I got fat.  I couldn't keep up with my son or my husband.  May 2011, I got up to 189 pounds.  For my 6'3" husband, that's a good weight.  On my 5'0" body, not so good.  

May 2011 189 lbs

Over the summer I started eating better.  I cut out a LOT of the carbs from my diet and eating lean chicken.  I was eating a salad for lunch.  I was still skipping breakfast though.  That's not good for the metabolism.  I was still feeling like crap though.  I still had no energy.  This next photo was taken on a trip to Chicago with my family.  I had lost about 13 pounds.

August 2011 176 lbs 

I had my last Dr. Pepper on Halloween 2011.  I drink a meal replacement shake for breakfast and I have a Spark about 30 minutes before I eat my lunch.  I have a salad for lunch, and I am still eating chicken for dinner.  I have a TON more energy.  I am able to wear jeans and pants that haven't fit in 4 years.  This next photo was taken today.

January 2012 164 lbs 

Side View January 2012

I plan on keeping a food journal starting in the next few days.  I keep up with the food in my fitness app on my phone and iPad, but I'm going to start taking pictures and posting recipes.  The recipes may be a little harder because Jim does all the cooking, but I'm going to try.  I will also start posting my workouts as well.  This is mostly for my benefit because I want to see where I was and where I'm going.  It's hard to see the change on a day by day basis when I look in the mirror, but when I look at the pictures, I can see the change.

*UPDATE*  *UPDATE*  *UPDATE*

I have lost more weight since my last post.  It is now July.  I am down to 144 now.  Here is a picture taken last weekend after a date night with my husband.  I am now a size 9/10.  I only have 30 pounds left to go to get to my goal.  I have started working more hours too.  I work for a gym now, so it's even easier to get my workouts in.  We have some excellent trainers there.  I LOVE my life right now!!!!

July 2012

Work and School

With school being shelved...yet again....I'm going back to work.  Ryan is old enough now, we feel comfortable having both of us working again.  It's been four years since I last worked full time.  I've already applied for a couple of Admin Assistant jobs in Fort Worth.  I'm not in any rush to find a job though.  I am looking for a position close by where Jim works so that we can save the gas and commute together.  Brad is still in school for another semester so we will have time to figure out how to get Ryan home from school in the afternoons.  He is getting old enough to start staying home alone, and my parents live close enough that if something happens they can help.  My parents can also keep Ryan at their house after school.  Baseball practices and Karate will be a bit of an issue, but maybe I can tap some of his friends parents to help us with that.  The two jobs I have applied for are both with TCC.  I'm also looking at other locations in Fort Worth.  The extra income will help us save more.  Plus the insurance would be nice.  I have been pretty lucky so far with not having insurance, but that will only last so long.  It will be nice to keep challenging myself.  It's nice to know that the grey mass between my ears actually works.  It will be nice to be living comfortably again.  I miss the days of not worrying about bills and how they were going to get paid and how late I could pay a bill before service got shut off.

A Week I Will Never Forget

Ryan's First Photo
September 9, 2001

September 11, 2001.  This is a day we will never forget.  For me this will always be a bittersweet day.  That morning, Brad and I were preparing to bring Ryan home from the hospital.  Ryan's birthday is 9/9/01.  That morning I remember being in my room, nursing Ryan while they were trying to do our final labs so that we could go home.  Brad had not yet made it to the hospital that morning.  I had the news on and they were talking about an explosion at the World Trade center.  A few minutes later, I saw the second plane hit the other building.  My heart sank.  They were talking on the news about other planes missing and other attacks.  You see, I woke up that morning scared already.  I was 20.  I had a newborn son.  I was leaving the hospital and getting ready to be a mom.  I wasn't even close to being ready to be a mom.  I was scared.  I remember my mother in law calling.  She was scared too.  She wanted us to get out of Dallas as soon as possible.  She wanted us to get home as soon as possible.  I was scared out of my mind at that point.  We left the hospital as soon as they said I could.  I forgot a few things that I will never get back.  We never got his prints taken.  We never got the newborn photos.  We left without his birth certificate.  We got to my parents house and continued watching the news that day.  I didn't know about the Pentagon being hit or the plane going down in Pa. until we got home.  In my mind, I knew that Ryan's birthday would forever and always be associated with 911.  By the time we had gotten home, both towers of the World Trade Center had collapsed.  What a way to start off motherhood.  In the days that followed the eeriest part to me was not hearing any planes....it was absolutely silent.  We lived just a short drive from DFW.  There was always air traffic.  It was always landing air traffic.  The silence of those days was just unnerving to me.  To this day seeing an airplane on approach and flying low jolts me.  Even though it happens many times a day.  Today, I've hardly seen or heard an airplane.  It's a little eerie.  There is never silence.

I have seen all the footage many times.  We have talked about it many times.  It's not a secret.  Ryan knows that it happened.  This week there have been specials on TV all week.  As I sat to watch one documentary this past week, Ryan sat to watch it with me.  It didn't dawn on me that he has never actually seen what happened, he was just told about it.  He started getting upset about what he was seeing.  I asked him what he was seeing that was upsetting him.  He told me that he had never seen what happened, he knows because we have always talked about it and he hears it on the radio around his birthday.  I asked him if he wanted me to turn off the TV and he said yes.  This morning when we woke up, we watched a show with all the footage from the 102 minutes of time from when the first plane hit, until the North Tower came down.  He stuck around for a bit then went to watch a show in the other room.

Friday my son turned ten.  Today, it's been ten years since 911.  I'm so thankful for the life God trusted me with.  I mourn for those whose lives were cut short.  It weighs heavy on my heart today that I can be so happy for the last 10 years of my life, when thousands of lives were taken in an instant.  Thousands of families that didn't have that time.  It hurts.  I didn't lose anybody that I knew.  I lost my sense of safety.  I lost my sense of security.  Even with the heavy police presence this weekend, I don't always feel safe anymore.  I miss the world that I grew up in.  I miss the world I knew that my son never will.  I've never been comfortable in an airplane, now I will never set foot in one again.  This summer my son, his dad and grandparents flew to California to go to Disney.  As soon as they were out of site at the airport, I just sat and cried.  I could not sleep that night until they called to let me know that they made it safely.  I cried myself to sleep that night.  I had nightmares.  They called as they were about to board the plane on the way home.  I couldn't relax until he was safe in my arms again.  That week he was gone, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't breathe.  I was in a constant state of anxiety until he was home again.  Every time my phone rang, my heart sank until I heard his voice on the other end.  Ten years and a day ago, I never would have thought twice about it.  I would have missed him, but I wouldn't have been that anxious.

This is a new world that we live in.  I don't like it.  Not one bit.  I wish that this had never happened.  I wish that this wouldn't always coincide with his birthday.  I will forever know how many years it's been.  I will know because it will be the same age as my son.  It is forever etched in me.  It hurts that he has to know that ignorance is our worst enemy.  Extremism is our worst enemy.  We must not be a nation divided.  We must stand together and show the ignorant extremists that they will never win.

So as I send my condolences and prayers to the families that lost fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, daughters and sons, I also celebrate.  The life of my son has been a blessing every year for the last ten years.  My son will continue to be a blessing for the rest of my life.

My thoughts and prayers are with your families this day.

Happy Birthday to you my son.  You will forever be a blessing.

Ryan 10 Years old

Questions

These last few months have been spent questioning myself and my choices over the last few years.  I guess that has been the catalyst to me going back to school.  When I look back at my life, I don't have much to show for it.  Since I have been an adult, I have been someones mom.  For the last seven years, I have been someones wife.  I have never been my own person.  I have never traveled.  I have never had the time to figure out what I want to do with my life.  That choice was made for me before I had time to think.  Well, sort of.  I had very little time to make a VERY difficult choice.  As we struggle financially, I have my days where I wonder if I made the right choice for Ryan.  I know that he probably could have had a far better life.  We can’t give him all the things other people can.  But what we can’t give him, we far make up for with love.  At least I hope we do.  I have been a lot harder on him lately.  Harder on him about his schoolwork.  Harder on him about his sports.  Harder on him about his temper.  What’s funny is that he makes all A’s and B’s in school.  He is smart as can be.  He is a very well behaved boy.  He could try harder at his sports, but he’s at an age where he’s dealing with laziness.  I know we have to nip it in the bud soon and we are working on that.  I just wish I could have more patience.  Is it too late for me to start going back to school and get a degree.  I got really overwhelmed with my Maymester at school.  It was only a two week class.  How am I going to get through 4 years?  What about work?  How will I be able to find and hold down a part time job and balance my home activities and Ryan’s sports, and being a mom and being a wife?  Am I taking on too much?  Asking too much of myself?  I’m pretty sure I made an A though.  That says something good right?  I guess while I’m taking my basics, I should figure out what I want to do.  It’s not much time, but at least I will figure out what I want to do with my life right?  Music has always been my love, but the more I think about it, the less it seems like that’s what I want to do.  I LOVE to sing.  I’m just maybe not so sure about the teaching part of it.  There isn’t much around this area to do if you just love to sing.  I have to find a profession.  Is this a Mid-Life Crisis?  Am I old enough for a Mid-Life Crisis?  Why does this seem so hard?  Why does everything have to be so difficult?  

Tough Day

Today we had to give our persuasive speeches in class.  There were many about drunk driving, texting while driving and driving while sleepy.  There was one that just hit me hard.  One of our international students did a Pro Abortion persuasive speech.  As soon as I saw the title, it just hurt.  I put my head down and just tried to maintain control of my emotions.  I was not very successful.  It just drove home the point to me that we still have not conceived.  I know that God has a plan for this.  It may not be in line with mine and I have to accept that.  It still doesn't change the hurt that I feel.  It still doesn't take away the pain.  I have been blessed to share this class with some amazing people.  These classmates have only known me for a couple of weeks.  They still reached out to comfort me.  They knew I was hurting and reached out to let me know that they care.  That alone makes me thankful for all the people that God has put in my life.

I just had to let it out.  If any of my classmates come by my blog, I want to say thank you.  You are all amazing and these last two weeks has been a blast.

Babies, Babies, Everywhere

I've been reading a lot about couples waiting for years to have a baby and struggling with fertility.  As more of our friends become pregnant, I wonder about parents that already have one child but have been struggling to have another for many years.  I had Ryan at a very young age and I am thankful everyday for him.  But since I married my husband, I have longed to be able to give my husband a child of his own.  He already thinks of Ryan as his own, but I mean a child of his own flesh and blood that he doesn't have to share.  I know that sounds so selfish.  We started trying as soon as we were married so that Ryan wouldn't have the age gap between his siblings that my sister and I have.  We have been married for seven years now and nothing.  I am truly happy for my friends that are pregnant and having babies, but my heart still aches for the babies I don't have.  I don't know if that makes sense.  I wish I knew of other people that already have a child and have struggled for a second.  Ryan was a surprise.  Totally not planned.  Now that I want another, why can't it be as easy?  I just don't understand.  It's just so hard some days.

Sorry, I just had to say this.  I've been hurting for a while now.  Some days are harder than others.  Today is one of those days.

My Angel On Earth

Fun at the park!

We are on top of the world!

My angel being sweet with my BFF's littlest angel

Gonna Climb this rock!