God's Work

For a while now I've had a single prayer that I have been praying.

During church.
In bed.
On the couch.
In the car.

You get the idea.....I have been wondering how to encourage my husband to lead us spiritually without leading him spiritually.  I know I am no where close to the perfect example of how a wife should be to her husband.  I'm trying.  It goes completely against the grain of what this world has taught me.  My father was very much a teacher of don't take crap from anybody for any reason.  Don't rely on others to do what you can do for yourself.  He didn't want my sister and I to grow up thinking that we had to rely on somebody else to take care of us when we grew up.  He wanted his daughters to be independent women.  My sister has somehow managed to achieve a balance with her husband.

I on the other hand had some relationships that went sour.  Those relationships affected how I have treated my husband.  I took the reigns from the beginning.  I made the decisions.  I picked the church.  I was in charge of how my son was raised.  Jim was just along for the ride.  Most of our close friends know how well that has worked out.

We have a good friend that had a few counseling times with us.  It really opened my eyes on what kind of wife God wants me to be.  Boy did I screw that one up.  I have been really trying hard.  I know I still screw up.....a lot....  I try to remember to pray about it more than I do.  We haven't had a church home in a while.  The small group that we had been in had grown and split so much that we didn't really know anybody in our group anymore.  I felt more like a burden to them than a friend.  We were more plugged in to our group than the church itself.  Probably not a good thing but that's what happened.  We finally stopped attending church altogether.

When the marriage really got on shaky ground, that was a wake up call to me that we were spiraling way far away from where God wants us.  We tried one church that seemed ok in the beginning....The problem is, from day one, we were never greeted....by anyone.  We had to seek people out for information.  For me, that's a red flag.  Jim seemed kind of interested so we kept going.  I tried to join the choir, but I learned rather quickly that I wasn't a member of their clique.  I never truly felt welcome there either.  We looked for a home group.  The first one they matched us up with had children my age and grandchildren Ryan's age.  The second group disbanded after we met with them.  It just didn't really feel like they were really listening to what we were saying.

One Tuesday, after reading a friend's blog, I called her and asked her where she went to church.  She invited Jim and I to come with.

Yes, I know, twice now, I have presented to church choices to Jim.  I said that I'm trying.

That very first Sunday they were having a discovery class.  Jim really wanted to go.  Unfortunately we had prior engagements and couldn't make it.  This made my heart so happy.  We have continued to attend this church.

The very first home group we tried, we are all about the same life stage.  Our kids are all pretty close to the same age.  Some of us are blended families.  I was even called this afternoon by the group leader to see how I was feeling.  I don't think I've ever been called out of the blue like that.

Sunday morning we asked our pastor if he had lunch plans.  He said to check with his wife and if they were free, he'd love to go.  I've only been to one church where the pastor didn't make us wade through all sorts of channels to have some time with him.  Of course, that was a very scary day for Jim and I.  That's another entry. 

Every Sunday, it seems like God is talking directly to us.  One Sunday our pastor was talking about Audacious Prayer.  I already had my prayers lined up.  One of them was answered immediately. (I'm not going into that one though)  The second one I'm seeing God working to answer that one.  Bit by bit, He is pulling at my husband's heart.  This week, while I've been so sick, I've twice asked Jim to pray for me.  While I wait for him to pray, I placed my hand over his heart and asked God to give Jim the words and the desire.  Both times God has answered.  

I know I myself am one giant audacious prayer.  I am no where near the wife that God wants me to be, but I am longing for my husband to be the leader that God wants him to be in our marriage.  I wish I knew my Bible well enough to find those scriptures every time, but for now I will have to settle with finding them as I go and making a note to remember when I come back.

I can see God working in my family.  My son has started a Bible Study with the church and a devotional just for him that he does every day.   Every day he asks if he can borrow my bible because he doesn't have one.  For my birthday, I'm going to buy Ryan his own Bible that he can underline and make notes in and love on as I'm starting to do with my own.
The first time he saw me mark on mine, he asked if I was allowed to do that, as if I had just marked in a library book.
My reply was what one of my youth pastors told me a LONG time ago:

 "God wants us to make notes.  That's how we love on our Bibles.  We make notes, underline, highlight and bookmark scripture for future reference.  You can never read the Bible the same way twice."

I want my son to long for God in his life the way I do.  I know I have a LOT of work, but we are all God's work.

I know as I'm writing this, I'm scattered and a little ADD.  There has just been so much going on, and I don't want to forget.  Every week I think we are getting a little closer to joining the church.  That is not going to be my decision though.  That will be entirely up to Jim.

Every Sunday that we have been at this church, we have been greeted multiple times.  People remember us the following week.  Even the pastor remembers who we are.  That says a LOT to me.  My standards are not God's standards though.  I look forward to Sundays now more than ever.  It's nice to know that the people at your church know who you are and care about you.  Even if they have only known you for a month.

 I'm really looking forward to growing in Christ and hopefully joining the church.  I feel like it's home.  I can see that God is working in Jim.  I can see God's work in me too.  When I would see prayer requests in an email or on Facebook, sometimes I would pray and sometimes I wouldn't.  It depended on how close to the person I was.  Yea, I know, not good.  Now when I see a request, I stop and say a quick prayer.  I don't pray with the usual "if it's your will Lord" disclaimer.  I pray for the healing.  I pray for the person that made the request.  God doesn't want us to pray with a disclaimer.  He wants us to pray Audacious Prayers.

I pray that God continues to work in me and Jim.  I pray that he helps us in our marriage to have a Godly marriage.  I want to be the wife that God commands me to be.  I want Jim to be husband that God commands him to be.  We have a LOT of work ahead, but with God, NOTHING is impossible.

What can we say about such wonderful things as these?

If God is for us, who can ever be against us?

Romans 8:31

Blessings.....

Ok, so I said I was going to post more throughout the Holidays......Well time got away from me and it never happened.....That's no surprise.  I'm sitting here watching the old Transformers cartoons with Ryan and Brad....It's so funny looking at those two......They are sprawled out on the floor in the living room....I know if Jim were here he would be on the floor with them watching the show too.  He will be here soon....His bus comes in around 5:50 in the evening....I'm blessed having such a great family around me....I was reminded again how blessed I am with the Warner family as part of my family....Brad's sister stood up for me when somebody was attacking me and my family and the relationship that we have....I know that it's not what everybody considers "normal" with blended families, but you know what?  It needs to be the "normal" today......I've seen how the bitterness between the parents has affected my friends growing up.  I refused to marry anybody but Mr. Right......It turned out that Mr. Right wasn't Ryan's father, but that doesn't matter....We have chosen to do what's best for Ryan....Brad and I don't always get along, I will be the first to admit that....Jim and I don't always get along either.  We all want what's best for our family.  We aren't always going to agree on everything.

If there is one thing I learned as an adopted child, your family is not always defined by blood relations.  If that was the case, then I didn't have any family until Ryan was born, then when I found Vicky and met my brothers and sister.  Honestly, I've been adopted by more than just my Mom and Dad.  In 7th grade, by best friend and her family "adopted" me.  They are still my family to this day.  When Ryan came along, Brad's family adopted me.  Then after Brad and I broke up, they still kept me around.  We didn't always get along or see eye to eye, then again, we still don't.  We have learned how to communicate better with each other now.  When I married Jim, not only was he "adopted" by my family, he was "adopted" by Brad's family as well.  Is that the "norm"?  No it's not.  At least not what the average person considers the norm.  It's the norm for us.  It works for us.  Somebody said that they feel like Jim is sharing his marriage with Brad and his family.  He's not.  The only other person Jim shares this marriage with is Ryan.  Ryan always has been and always will be my number one priority.  Jim knew this from day one.  I was accused of hiding the truth about Brad and Ryan from Jim when we first got together.  That couldn't be further from the truth.  Jim knew from the moment we met that I had a son, and had a decent relationship with Brad and the Warner family.  He knew from day one what the relationship was and how it was going to be.  I actually told him that if he didn't like it, he could head for the door.  Jim made the choice to stick around and be a part of this family unit.  When things started to sour with Brad and I, Jim stepped in and mended the friendship between me, Brad and his family.  I myself have spent almost all of Ryan's birthdays, Thanksgivings, and Christmases with Brad and his family.  When Jim came he joined us too.  Brad and his family have always welcomed us into their home, and likewise they are always welcome in ours.  Ryan is a very well adjusted boy when it comes to being a part of a blended family.  I don't understand why people can't see that.  Jim and I have been married for almost 7 years.  He does everything he can to ensure Ryan's best interests.  Jim and I have a very strong marriage.  We have had many ups and downs during this time.  Not a single one of the bad times was a result of the relationship with Brad's family.  I wish people could look beyond their noses and the whole situation before passing judgment.  Ironically, the problems in our marriage that we have had, were a result of the narrowmindednes of these judgemental people.  To some people, I never have been and never will be "right" for Jim.  It's a good thing that Jim is a "big boy" and can make his own decisions regarding his life.

My 30th birthday is right around the corner and I'm thankful that in the short time I have been on this earth,God has blessed me with much.  He has taught me many lessons in my life, and I look forward to learning many more.

I am thankful for the family God has made for me.  They are not all my blood family, but they are my family still and I'm glad that God chose them for me.

Ryan's Trip To The Radio

I tried to embed a video earlier and I guess it didn't work.  Before Christmas, Ryan got a special treat to visit the KVIL radio station. Every morning we listen to the Gene and Julie show and we play along with the Big Fat Liar bit. Here is the audio and a few photos that we took while we were there.

Thanks & Adoption

This month is a month for being thankful for all our blessings. This month is also National Adoption Month. I'm in a unique position where I can combine both. 30 years ago today, my mother was 25 weeks pregnant with me. She was probably showing fairly well. She was probably feeling me move around and kick. As hyper as I was as a child, I imagine I was fairly active in her tummy. I was about the size of an eggplant. My mother was also facing a very difficult decision. At that point she had already decided not to abort her unplanned pregnancy. You see, my mother was only 17. She was not in a position where she could provide for a baby and raise a child. The decision she was facing was placing me for adoption. As a mother of an unplanned child, I can tell you that once you feel this life moving inside you, your love grows by leaps and bounds. It's a feeling that I can't describe, but it's wonderful. Ultimately my mother placed me for adoption. The family that adopted me loved me since before I was born. My parents had tried to have another baby after my sister was born. They weren't successful, so they decided to adopt. They gave me the live that my mother wanted me to have, but couldn't give me. I can't say that I made their job easy, but they loved me no matter what I did or said. To this day I am thankful not only to Mom and Dad, but to my Mother as well. Together the three of them shaped me into the adult and mother that I am today. They all shaped the decisions I would make and the life that I am blessed to have. I would like to share a poem that I hold near to my heart that says how I feel quite well.

Once there were two women who never knew each other.

One you do not remember, the other you call Mother.

Two different lives shaped to make you one.

One became your guiding star, the other became your sun.

The first one gave you life, and the second taught you to live it.

The first gave you a need for love. The second was there to give it.

One gave you a nationality. The other gave you a name.

One gave you a talent. The other gave you aim.

One gave you emotions. The other calmed your fears.

One saw your first sweet smile. The other dried your tears.

One sought for you a home that she could not provide.

The other prayed for a child and her hope was not denied.

And now you ask me, through your tears,

the age-old question unanswered through the years.

Heredity or environment, which are you a product of?

Neither, my darling. Neither. Just two different kinds of Love.

~Author Unknown~

This month, I am thankful for the choice of adoption. It's a truly difficult choice to make and one filled with more love than can be put into words.

Thank you Mom and Dad for choosing to give me a home and raise me.

Thank you Mom for loving me so much that you were willing to part with me for so long.

I love all three of you more than I could ever put into words. God has a special place waiting for you guys when it's time for you to ascend into Heaven.

Posted with love,

Tina De La Rosa Halley,

Daughter of Kathie and Phil De La Rosa

Daughter of Vicky Carter.

Here is a picture of my Mom's and I at my wedding.

From L to R:

Ronnie, Vicky, Me, Kathie, Ana

My birthfamily is on the left,

and my family that raised me is on the right.

Feeling good.

So after changing my diet at the beginning of the summer and cutting back on my soda intake, I lost 16 lbs. I finally hit a plateau a couple of weeks ago. I started working out last week and I'm down another 7 lbs. My goal is to get to 130 by my 30th birthday, and 105 by next summer. 105 isn't unreasonable because, that is how much I weighed after I had Ryan. I stayed that weight until 2005, then I went up like a balloon. I'm not trying to rush it at all either. I know that the closer I get to my goals, the slower the weight loss will be. I'm just excited because I'm already seeing results. I've been a size 18 for a while now, and this past Friday, I put on a pair of size 15 pants. It's been a few years since I put on a size 15. I only have 35 lbs to go for my primary goal. That is what I'm looking to first. I know that 7 lbs isn't a whole lot, but for me, it's a big deal. Every pound I lose is a big deal. It's another pound closer to being healthier. I have also worked hard at cutting out my stress levels. It's not an easy task, but I'm trying.

Well that's all I have for now.

Stress

I have a great doctor. When doctors tell you to reduce the stress in your life, what they don't realize is that it's not that easy. Different things cause stress.

Work. That's stressful even when you aren't the one working. In today's economy jobs are getting cut. It's hard not to worry about the fact that my spouse could call me at any time telling me that he's been let go. That causes stress.

Children. Children can be stressful. It's a job that lasts a lifetime. That's not a stress that I want to get rid of. I love my son. He can be stressful sometimes. But he can also relieve stress. He can come in and hug me and make me feel better when I'm down. He can talk back, disobey and push all my buttons and in the next second be completely and totally remorseful for his actions and melt my heart. That stress will never go away. Nor would I ever wish for it to.

Marriage. Marriage can be stressful. Like children, you completely give 100% of yourself to your spouse. You are sharing yourself and life with somebody else. Somebody that has a mind of their own. They have their own way of doing things that is different from the way you do things. They can completely infuriate you then give you this look with so much love that you just melt into a puddle. Your spouse loves you with complete and total abandon. A great friend described that kind of love as: "Giving that person what they need the most when they deserve it the least." Sometimes that's easier said than done, but the rewards are worth it. Loving someone is a choice and a sacrifice. It's also stressful. That's a stress that will NEVER go away. Nor would I ever wish for it to.

Family. Family can be stressful. I won't go into this too much other than to say that I love my family, they stress me out sometimes, but I love them and I am completely thankful for EVERYTHING they do for us. That's a stress that will never go away. I would like a vacation sometimes, but I would never want my family to go away.

Money....Now there is a stress if there ever was one. As long as we americans keep taking pay cuts while our government keeps making outrageous salaries, that is a stress that will never go away.

Some numbers for you:

$400,000 Obama's salary as president per year

$ 33,333.33 Obama's salary per month. $32,000 My husband's salary per YEAR

$1095.89 Obama's salary per DAY $1095.00 Jim's paycheck on the 1st of the month

$45.66 What Obama makes per minute.... $0.00 How much money we have in savings....

I'm not going to turn this into a political entry nor do I want any debates, but I just want people to see the difference here. I have even more numbers for you.

It's ugly.

-$47.86 - Our checking account balance.

15 days - until Jim's next check hits.

$236.61 - The phone bill....31 days past due.....

$300.72 - Time Warner bill.....63 days past due....

$287.43 - Electric bill....48 days past due....

$156.97 - Car insurance...3 days past due...

$796.24 - Rent plus water...due in 12 days...

$170.00 - Owed to my mom for helping me make my last car payment plus gas money.

$181.34 - Owed to my dad for work done on my car at Firestone.

$120.00 - Owed to my son for back allowance money.

$75.00 - What I'm supposed to pay for Ryan to play baseball this fall.

$300.00 - Owed on my car....today...64 days past due...

$236.00 - Groceries per month for 3 people.

$248.00 - What we spent last month on gas for the car.

$387.00 - What we spent on overdraft fees last month...or every month...

$150.00 - What I'm supposed to pay for my half of Ryan's birthday party....

$1095.00 - Next check from Jim's work on Sept. 1

$400.00 - What I make from properties per month...

$400.00 - My share of extra work done at properties....this month only....

$225.00 - Child support I receive...

$887.00 - Jim's check on the 15th.

$638.01 - short this month....

$166.67 - still short even if I don't pay my parents and son what I owe them.....

I have a great doctor....Unfortunately, I don't see a way for me to get rid of the stress....

$3.645.01 - What we need to catch up and start from scratch.....

Reduce stress....Right.....I'll put that on my list....Probably below catching up on sleep....which is below catching up on laundry, which is below catching up on bills.......

I have a great doctor.....but unless there is a magic pill to get rid of the stress, I don't see me reducing it anytime soon....

Today I will be returning our car until I can get the money for the payments...Probably for 2 weeks....In the meantime, we can borrow my mom's car....and ride bikes.....Well at least I can work on the weight loss on my to do list......

What's funny, our government has promised help to more people.....I don't see that....Unless you make less than $20,000 a year.....Don't count on seeing a dime from Uncle Sam....You want help....keep dreaming....that's about all you are left with....

-- Post From My iPhone

Thinking Out Loud

As I sit here in my room thinking, I'm reminding myself to be thankful. It's easy to have a pity party and say why me, or why not me. Why can't I have that or why do they get that, I'm a better person. The truth is, I have a lot. I have a roof over my head. We are blessed with a pretty big apartment that we can afford. My husband has a job. I have a couple of friends that have been out of work for some time now. I have food to eat in my refrigerator. I have a friend who has been eating oatmeal and Mac & Cheese for a week. I have a wonderful 9 year old son that is well behaved and that loves to learn and likes school. What child loves school???? I have a great family and friend support system that helps us when we fall short. Tonight my Ex's Mom bought some school clothes for Ryan and gave us a gift card for school supplies. The relationship with with my ex and his family is great. I love them and I am glad we are still family even though Brad and I couldn't work things out. That is a great thing for my son. How many broken homes truly function like ours does. My husband is a good friend to Ryan's dad and Ryan's dad is a good friend to Jim. My husband is a wonderful man that will stay up with me until 3AM to comfort me when I'm in pain. Even when he has to be on the bus to work by 6:30AM. My husband loves me and takes care of me even when I am crabby to him. My father has had many close calls with his health, but God still has some work for him here. I have a business that my father and I do together. I get to spend time with my Daddy that I missed out on years ago. My parents help us in ways I can't even begin to describe. I have a best friend who would and has moved heaven and earth if that's what I asked. She knows me in ways nobody else ever will with the exception of Jim. I the feel the world may be safer that way...Hehehe...I can talk to her about anything. I feel that she truly knows me inside and out. Plus she has stuck around for 16 years. That says something.....Hehehe....

Are we financially rich?

No.

Are we rich with possessions?

No.

Are we rich with family?

Yes.

Are we rich with our friends?

Yes.

Are we rich in love?

Yes.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I need to stop thinking about and wanting what we don't have and be thankful for what we do have. We are rich in many ways that people aren't. God has given us many things. God has carried us when we couldn't walk on our own. God has walked beside us other times. We believe we have found a church that we feel can feed us what we need. We met with a Lifegroup last Sunday that we both like too. The best part was for the first time, Ryan begged us to take him back. He was also able to tell us what he learned in Sunday School other than video games. He was talking about the ripples that God uses to move us to make ripples in other people's hearts...I'm paraphrasing and I'm sure when Ryan reads this he will correct me. But that statement from him warmed my heart in a way I can't describe. I look forward to more conversations with him like that. I know that I have stepped back a bit from God in the last year, but I need him and I feel him tugging in my heart to change things. I've started with my relationships with my husband and son. I have not been the best wife and mother in the last year or so. I'm working to change that. I'm not perfect, nor will I be, and I do still make mistakes, but I know that with practice, and determination I will improve.

This entry has been very theraputic for me to sit down and lay it out. I'm going to try harder to put my thoughts down and not hold it inside. It won't always be pretty entries. I'm sure there will be venting going on too. But the more I hold it in, the more that explodes later. I'd rather not have to clean up the mess later and just deal with it as it comes. If I offend, I apologize. I'm not here to be politically correct. I don't think God made us to be PC either. I speak my mind and it's not always nice or PC, but that's what's on my mind.

1 Corinthians 10:31

Kristina