A Week I Will Never Forget

Ryan's First Photo
September 9, 2001

September 11, 2001.  This is a day we will never forget.  For me this will always be a bittersweet day.  That morning, Brad and I were preparing to bring Ryan home from the hospital.  Ryan's birthday is 9/9/01.  That morning I remember being in my room, nursing Ryan while they were trying to do our final labs so that we could go home.  Brad had not yet made it to the hospital that morning.  I had the news on and they were talking about an explosion at the World Trade center.  A few minutes later, I saw the second plane hit the other building.  My heart sank.  They were talking on the news about other planes missing and other attacks.  You see, I woke up that morning scared already.  I was 20.  I had a newborn son.  I was leaving the hospital and getting ready to be a mom.  I wasn't even close to being ready to be a mom.  I was scared.  I remember my mother in law calling.  She was scared too.  She wanted us to get out of Dallas as soon as possible.  She wanted us to get home as soon as possible.  I was scared out of my mind at that point.  We left the hospital as soon as they said I could.  I forgot a few things that I will never get back.  We never got his prints taken.  We never got the newborn photos.  We left without his birth certificate.  We got to my parents house and continued watching the news that day.  I didn't know about the Pentagon being hit or the plane going down in Pa. until we got home.  In my mind, I knew that Ryan's birthday would forever and always be associated with 911.  By the time we had gotten home, both towers of the World Trade Center had collapsed.  What a way to start off motherhood.  In the days that followed the eeriest part to me was not hearing any planes....it was absolutely silent.  We lived just a short drive from DFW.  There was always air traffic.  It was always landing air traffic.  The silence of those days was just unnerving to me.  To this day seeing an airplane on approach and flying low jolts me.  Even though it happens many times a day.  Today, I've hardly seen or heard an airplane.  It's a little eerie.  There is never silence.

I have seen all the footage many times.  We have talked about it many times.  It's not a secret.  Ryan knows that it happened.  This week there have been specials on TV all week.  As I sat to watch one documentary this past week, Ryan sat to watch it with me.  It didn't dawn on me that he has never actually seen what happened, he was just told about it.  He started getting upset about what he was seeing.  I asked him what he was seeing that was upsetting him.  He told me that he had never seen what happened, he knows because we have always talked about it and he hears it on the radio around his birthday.  I asked him if he wanted me to turn off the TV and he said yes.  This morning when we woke up, we watched a show with all the footage from the 102 minutes of time from when the first plane hit, until the North Tower came down.  He stuck around for a bit then went to watch a show in the other room.

Friday my son turned ten.  Today, it's been ten years since 911.  I'm so thankful for the life God trusted me with.  I mourn for those whose lives were cut short.  It weighs heavy on my heart today that I can be so happy for the last 10 years of my life, when thousands of lives were taken in an instant.  Thousands of families that didn't have that time.  It hurts.  I didn't lose anybody that I knew.  I lost my sense of safety.  I lost my sense of security.  Even with the heavy police presence this weekend, I don't always feel safe anymore.  I miss the world that I grew up in.  I miss the world I knew that my son never will.  I've never been comfortable in an airplane, now I will never set foot in one again.  This summer my son, his dad and grandparents flew to California to go to Disney.  As soon as they were out of site at the airport, I just sat and cried.  I could not sleep that night until they called to let me know that they made it safely.  I cried myself to sleep that night.  I had nightmares.  They called as they were about to board the plane on the way home.  I couldn't relax until he was safe in my arms again.  That week he was gone, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't breathe.  I was in a constant state of anxiety until he was home again.  Every time my phone rang, my heart sank until I heard his voice on the other end.  Ten years and a day ago, I never would have thought twice about it.  I would have missed him, but I wouldn't have been that anxious.

This is a new world that we live in.  I don't like it.  Not one bit.  I wish that this had never happened.  I wish that this wouldn't always coincide with his birthday.  I will forever know how many years it's been.  I will know because it will be the same age as my son.  It is forever etched in me.  It hurts that he has to know that ignorance is our worst enemy.  Extremism is our worst enemy.  We must not be a nation divided.  We must stand together and show the ignorant extremists that they will never win.

So as I send my condolences and prayers to the families that lost fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, daughters and sons, I also celebrate.  The life of my son has been a blessing every year for the last ten years.  My son will continue to be a blessing for the rest of my life.

My thoughts and prayers are with your families this day.

Happy Birthday to you my son.  You will forever be a blessing.

Ryan 10 Years old

Questions

These last few months have been spent questioning myself and my choices over the last few years.  I guess that has been the catalyst to me going back to school.  When I look back at my life, I don't have much to show for it.  Since I have been an adult, I have been someones mom.  For the last seven years, I have been someones wife.  I have never been my own person.  I have never traveled.  I have never had the time to figure out what I want to do with my life.  That choice was made for me before I had time to think.  Well, sort of.  I had very little time to make a VERY difficult choice.  As we struggle financially, I have my days where I wonder if I made the right choice for Ryan.  I know that he probably could have had a far better life.  We can’t give him all the things other people can.  But what we can’t give him, we far make up for with love.  At least I hope we do.  I have been a lot harder on him lately.  Harder on him about his schoolwork.  Harder on him about his sports.  Harder on him about his temper.  What’s funny is that he makes all A’s and B’s in school.  He is smart as can be.  He is a very well behaved boy.  He could try harder at his sports, but he’s at an age where he’s dealing with laziness.  I know we have to nip it in the bud soon and we are working on that.  I just wish I could have more patience.  Is it too late for me to start going back to school and get a degree.  I got really overwhelmed with my Maymester at school.  It was only a two week class.  How am I going to get through 4 years?  What about work?  How will I be able to find and hold down a part time job and balance my home activities and Ryan’s sports, and being a mom and being a wife?  Am I taking on too much?  Asking too much of myself?  I’m pretty sure I made an A though.  That says something good right?  I guess while I’m taking my basics, I should figure out what I want to do.  It’s not much time, but at least I will figure out what I want to do with my life right?  Music has always been my love, but the more I think about it, the less it seems like that’s what I want to do.  I LOVE to sing.  I’m just maybe not so sure about the teaching part of it.  There isn’t much around this area to do if you just love to sing.  I have to find a profession.  Is this a Mid-Life Crisis?  Am I old enough for a Mid-Life Crisis?  Why does this seem so hard?  Why does everything have to be so difficult?  

Tough Day

Today we had to give our persuasive speeches in class.  There were many about drunk driving, texting while driving and driving while sleepy.  There was one that just hit me hard.  One of our international students did a Pro Abortion persuasive speech.  As soon as I saw the title, it just hurt.  I put my head down and just tried to maintain control of my emotions.  I was not very successful.  It just drove home the point to me that we still have not conceived.  I know that God has a plan for this.  It may not be in line with mine and I have to accept that.  It still doesn't change the hurt that I feel.  It still doesn't take away the pain.  I have been blessed to share this class with some amazing people.  These classmates have only known me for a couple of weeks.  They still reached out to comfort me.  They knew I was hurting and reached out to let me know that they care.  That alone makes me thankful for all the people that God has put in my life.

I just had to let it out.  If any of my classmates come by my blog, I want to say thank you.  You are all amazing and these last two weeks has been a blast.

Babies, Babies, Everywhere

I've been reading a lot about couples waiting for years to have a baby and struggling with fertility.  As more of our friends become pregnant, I wonder about parents that already have one child but have been struggling to have another for many years.  I had Ryan at a very young age and I am thankful everyday for him.  But since I married my husband, I have longed to be able to give my husband a child of his own.  He already thinks of Ryan as his own, but I mean a child of his own flesh and blood that he doesn't have to share.  I know that sounds so selfish.  We started trying as soon as we were married so that Ryan wouldn't have the age gap between his siblings that my sister and I have.  We have been married for seven years now and nothing.  I am truly happy for my friends that are pregnant and having babies, but my heart still aches for the babies I don't have.  I don't know if that makes sense.  I wish I knew of other people that already have a child and have struggled for a second.  Ryan was a surprise.  Totally not planned.  Now that I want another, why can't it be as easy?  I just don't understand.  It's just so hard some days.

Sorry, I just had to say this.  I've been hurting for a while now.  Some days are harder than others.  Today is one of those days.

My Angel On Earth

Fun at the park!

We are on top of the world!

My angel being sweet with my BFF's littlest angel

Gonna Climb this rock!

School

So I'm planning to go back to school this summer.  Oh Boy.....  I filled out my FAFSA this afternoon for both Summer and Fall.  Pray that I get the money I need.  It's going to cost a LOT more than it used to.  I remember when it was $20/semester hour.  Now it's $50.  YIKES!!!  I'm kinda scared because it's been a LONG time since I was in school.  I tried to go to college right after Ryan was born.  That didn't work out to well.  He's been in school now for 5 1/2 years.  It's time for me to go back.  As long as I can fit my classes between 8:30 and 3:00, I'm good.  My goal is to take 8 hours per Summer semester and 18 per Spring and Fall semester.  I haven't decided on mini-mesters yet.  Probably not.  Summer is already going to be hard since Ryan is out of school.  They have a college for kids program in the Summer.  Maybe he can enroll and go while I'm in class.  That would work out great!!!  I've always said that I'm going to go back to college when Ryan starts school.  Well it's going to happen about 5 years after I originally planned, but I'm doing it.

In other news, I think I found a prayer journal today.  I have to go back to get it though.  I didn't have the money today.  I'm going to be a busy lady soon.

Please pray that I can handle it all.

Infertility

A good friend of mine posted a video this evening on her FaceBook about infertility.  I watched this video a few minutes ago.  Jim and I have tried for a baby since we got married.  Everybody knows I just have Ryan.  There is a line in a movie that Jim and I watch all the time.  "How can I miss somebody so much that I've never even met?"  When I got pregnant with Ryan, it was not planned.  Up until I found out I was pregnant, I was under the impression that I would never have kids.  At the time, that was fine with me.  I admit, I did things way out of order.  I never even married Brad.  It's funny, at a time when I didn't want to have anything to do with kids, I got pregnant.  BOOM!  There he was.  When I decided I was ready for another....Nothing....I had one miscarriage a couple years ago.  I didn't know about it until I went in for testing to see if there were any problems with hormones and my ovaries.  My body was in the process of expelling everything.  I knew exactly when it was conceived....We had a dry spell because we were having some problems...Made up...Then I got sick.  I was only 4 wks along.  I had no clue.  Before or since, as far as I know, nothing.  This really opened my eyes.  The ladies that were talking said that it seems like when you are struggling with infertility, it seems like everyone is getting pregnant but you.  That feeling is so true.  We were a part of a small group a few years ago.  When we joined that group, each couple had one child.  There were 6 children total.  Since then 16 more children have been born to those original 6 couples.  We were not as lucky.  I have gone through so many emotions over the last 7 years.  I have gone through sadness.  I have been angry at God.  I have been angry at myself.  I have felt like I'm not a good enough wife because I can't give my husband any children to carry on his lineage.  Even as I write this, I'm fighting off tears.  I have a few friends that understand what I'm feeling.  Most days I can keep busy and try not to think about it.  It's always in the back of my mind.  Nagging at me.  Eating at my heart.  I'm trying not to be angry at God.  I know he has his own time and plan.  We had a sermon at Church a few weeks ago.  At the beginning they showed a video with abortion statistics.  It hurt so much to see just how many babies are killed every year.  There are so many of us that would DIE to have those babies.  Don't get me wrong, I am happy for my friends that are getting pregnant and having babies.  I am thankful for my Ryan.  Some days I feel like I'm a part of one big practical joke.  Give me a child when I don't want one, then when I want another not give me anything.  It's like eating one M&M and throwing away the rest.  I am truly thankful for God's blessings in my life.  We jut always seem to want the one thing we can't have.  For me, it's another child.  The more time that goes by, the older Ryan gets.  Now I fear he's too old to have a baby around the house.

Here is the video: