School

So I'm planning to go back to school this summer.  Oh Boy.....  I filled out my FAFSA this afternoon for both Summer and Fall.  Pray that I get the money I need.  It's going to cost a LOT more than it used to.  I remember when it was $20/semester hour.  Now it's $50.  YIKES!!!  I'm kinda scared because it's been a LONG time since I was in school.  I tried to go to college right after Ryan was born.  That didn't work out to well.  He's been in school now for 5 1/2 years.  It's time for me to go back.  As long as I can fit my classes between 8:30 and 3:00, I'm good.  My goal is to take 8 hours per Summer semester and 18 per Spring and Fall semester.  I haven't decided on mini-mesters yet.  Probably not.  Summer is already going to be hard since Ryan is out of school.  They have a college for kids program in the Summer.  Maybe he can enroll and go while I'm in class.  That would work out great!!!  I've always said that I'm going to go back to college when Ryan starts school.  Well it's going to happen about 5 years after I originally planned, but I'm doing it.

In other news, I think I found a prayer journal today.  I have to go back to get it though.  I didn't have the money today.  I'm going to be a busy lady soon.

Please pray that I can handle it all.

Infertility

A good friend of mine posted a video this evening on her FaceBook about infertility.  I watched this video a few minutes ago.  Jim and I have tried for a baby since we got married.  Everybody knows I just have Ryan.  There is a line in a movie that Jim and I watch all the time.  "How can I miss somebody so much that I've never even met?"  When I got pregnant with Ryan, it was not planned.  Up until I found out I was pregnant, I was under the impression that I would never have kids.  At the time, that was fine with me.  I admit, I did things way out of order.  I never even married Brad.  It's funny, at a time when I didn't want to have anything to do with kids, I got pregnant.  BOOM!  There he was.  When I decided I was ready for another....Nothing....I had one miscarriage a couple years ago.  I didn't know about it until I went in for testing to see if there were any problems with hormones and my ovaries.  My body was in the process of expelling everything.  I knew exactly when it was conceived....We had a dry spell because we were having some problems...Made up...Then I got sick.  I was only 4 wks along.  I had no clue.  Before or since, as far as I know, nothing.  This really opened my eyes.  The ladies that were talking said that it seems like when you are struggling with infertility, it seems like everyone is getting pregnant but you.  That feeling is so true.  We were a part of a small group a few years ago.  When we joined that group, each couple had one child.  There were 6 children total.  Since then 16 more children have been born to those original 6 couples.  We were not as lucky.  I have gone through so many emotions over the last 7 years.  I have gone through sadness.  I have been angry at God.  I have been angry at myself.  I have felt like I'm not a good enough wife because I can't give my husband any children to carry on his lineage.  Even as I write this, I'm fighting off tears.  I have a few friends that understand what I'm feeling.  Most days I can keep busy and try not to think about it.  It's always in the back of my mind.  Nagging at me.  Eating at my heart.  I'm trying not to be angry at God.  I know he has his own time and plan.  We had a sermon at Church a few weeks ago.  At the beginning they showed a video with abortion statistics.  It hurt so much to see just how many babies are killed every year.  There are so many of us that would DIE to have those babies.  Don't get me wrong, I am happy for my friends that are getting pregnant and having babies.  I am thankful for my Ryan.  Some days I feel like I'm a part of one big practical joke.  Give me a child when I don't want one, then when I want another not give me anything.  It's like eating one M&M and throwing away the rest.  I am truly thankful for God's blessings in my life.  We jut always seem to want the one thing we can't have.  For me, it's another child.  The more time that goes by, the older Ryan gets.  Now I fear he's too old to have a baby around the house.

Here is the video:

Changes

I am sitting here with my family on the final night of my 20's.  As I look back at the last 10 years, I see a lot of changes that took place.  The very first change that was made was a matter of days after my 20th birthday.  I found out that I was going to be a mom.  Talk about mind blowing news.  I have to be honest, up until I found out that I was pregnant with Ryan, I had sworn of children altogether.  Fast forward to September.  Ryan was born on Grandparent's Day that year.  Boy I was so not ready for the journey that I was starting.  I look back though and realize that Sept. 9, 2001 was the best day of my life.  I'm not going to go into all the changes that have happened in the last 10 years....mostly because I'd lose people early on. I met and married my husband when I was 23.  There was another change I wasn't ready for.  I had to share.  I have never been good at sharing things.  I was used to doing things my own way and by myself.  In the nearly 7 years that I have been married, I have grown and changed in many ways.  If someone had told me on my 20th birthday that before I was 25, I'd be married with a son, I would have called you crazy.  My plan back then was to leave this state and be singing for my supper.  Well if I have learned anything at all, it is that God has a unique sense of humor as well as a different plan for my life.  Looking back at his plans for my life and what I had planned for my life, I like his plans better.  My plan was a lonely road.  He had a family set for me.  It's not your typical family, but it's my family and I love all of them.  Jim and I have weathered many storms in our marriage, but we've come out well.  We still have each other and Ryan.  I can't ask for more.  I didn't deserve what God had for me.  I still don't deserve what God has given me.  I joke sometimes about giving the guys away to the next person I see, but honestly, I never could.  The chaos is pretty good around here.  I just need to learn to stop and enjoy it more.  It took 30 years, but I'm finally starting to give my troubles to God and let him keep them.  For most of the last 10 years, I give my troubles to God, then I took them back.  If you don't know me that well, I am a control freak.  Over the last 10 years I have felt little or no control over what has happened.  I try to control everything and the truth is, I can't.  I drove myself into an out of control state of anxiety.  There is a reason that God gave us Jim.  Jim is the one with the cool head.  Jim can see the bigger picture.  I need to listen to him more.  Jim was the catalyst to my relationship with Brad being what it is.  During the last 10 years, I became a wife and mother.  Just in the wrong order.  My family grew in a very non traditional way.  When I had Ryan, my family didn't just grow by one person.  It grew by many persons.  I gained a mother.  I gained a father.  I gained a sister.  I gained a niece.  Since I had Ryan, I've gained another niece and a nephew.  Lastly, through lots of work and effort, I gained a very good friend and brother.  When I talk about my family, I'm not just talking about the De La Rosa family, I'm also talking about the Warner family too.  I now have 3 moms and 2 dads.  The cool thing about that is that my parents have been married for 43 years now.  I found my birthmother when I was 21.  We still see her and talk often.  I talk to my Warner Mom almost daily.  Sometimes I call her to tell her Ryan's latest comment or funny moment, and sometimes we talk just to talk.  Not everybody likes the family dynamic, but it's not their choice.  These are choices Jim and I have made together.  I was adopted as a newborn.  I guess that's why I don't just consider family by blood relation.  If I had done that, I'd have a pretty tiny family.  Family loves you no matter what.  No matter what mistakes or boneheaded things you do, your family loves you unconditionally.  I'm blessed with the family that God chose for me.  It's not traditional, but I love it.  I had been feeling sorry for myself this week because with the 20's leaving me, so is my chance to do things that I thought I should do.  The truth is, I have done a lot with my life in the last 10 years.  It hasn't been boring either.  God never gives you more than you can handle with him.  There have been many times I had wished that he didn't trust me so much, but now that I'm on the other side, I'm really happy with my path.  I haven't been the best steward with all that God has given me, but I'm working to be better.

I will close with Psalm 23.  This has always been my favorite Bible Verse.

The Lord is my shepherd;

      I have all that I need.

 ² He lets me rest in green meadows;

      he leads me beside peaceful streams.

    ³ He renews my strength.

   He guides me along right paths,

      bringing honor to his name.

 ⁴ Even when I walk

      through the darkest valley,

   I will not be afraid,

      for you are close beside me.

   Your rod and your staff

      protect and comfort me.

 ⁵ You prepare a feast for me

      in the presence of my enemies.

   You honor me by anointing my head with oil.

      My cup overflows with blessings.

 ⁶ Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me

      all the days of my life,

   and I will live in the house of the Lord

      forever.

God's Work

For a while now I've had a single prayer that I have been praying.

During church.
In bed.
On the couch.
In the car.

You get the idea.....I have been wondering how to encourage my husband to lead us spiritually without leading him spiritually.  I know I am no where close to the perfect example of how a wife should be to her husband.  I'm trying.  It goes completely against the grain of what this world has taught me.  My father was very much a teacher of don't take crap from anybody for any reason.  Don't rely on others to do what you can do for yourself.  He didn't want my sister and I to grow up thinking that we had to rely on somebody else to take care of us when we grew up.  He wanted his daughters to be independent women.  My sister has somehow managed to achieve a balance with her husband.

I on the other hand had some relationships that went sour.  Those relationships affected how I have treated my husband.  I took the reigns from the beginning.  I made the decisions.  I picked the church.  I was in charge of how my son was raised.  Jim was just along for the ride.  Most of our close friends know how well that has worked out.

We have a good friend that had a few counseling times with us.  It really opened my eyes on what kind of wife God wants me to be.  Boy did I screw that one up.  I have been really trying hard.  I know I still screw up.....a lot....  I try to remember to pray about it more than I do.  We haven't had a church home in a while.  The small group that we had been in had grown and split so much that we didn't really know anybody in our group anymore.  I felt more like a burden to them than a friend.  We were more plugged in to our group than the church itself.  Probably not a good thing but that's what happened.  We finally stopped attending church altogether.

When the marriage really got on shaky ground, that was a wake up call to me that we were spiraling way far away from where God wants us.  We tried one church that seemed ok in the beginning....The problem is, from day one, we were never greeted....by anyone.  We had to seek people out for information.  For me, that's a red flag.  Jim seemed kind of interested so we kept going.  I tried to join the choir, but I learned rather quickly that I wasn't a member of their clique.  I never truly felt welcome there either.  We looked for a home group.  The first one they matched us up with had children my age and grandchildren Ryan's age.  The second group disbanded after we met with them.  It just didn't really feel like they were really listening to what we were saying.

One Tuesday, after reading a friend's blog, I called her and asked her where she went to church.  She invited Jim and I to come with.

Yes, I know, twice now, I have presented to church choices to Jim.  I said that I'm trying.

That very first Sunday they were having a discovery class.  Jim really wanted to go.  Unfortunately we had prior engagements and couldn't make it.  This made my heart so happy.  We have continued to attend this church.

The very first home group we tried, we are all about the same life stage.  Our kids are all pretty close to the same age.  Some of us are blended families.  I was even called this afternoon by the group leader to see how I was feeling.  I don't think I've ever been called out of the blue like that.

Sunday morning we asked our pastor if he had lunch plans.  He said to check with his wife and if they were free, he'd love to go.  I've only been to one church where the pastor didn't make us wade through all sorts of channels to have some time with him.  Of course, that was a very scary day for Jim and I.  That's another entry. 

Every Sunday, it seems like God is talking directly to us.  One Sunday our pastor was talking about Audacious Prayer.  I already had my prayers lined up.  One of them was answered immediately. (I'm not going into that one though)  The second one I'm seeing God working to answer that one.  Bit by bit, He is pulling at my husband's heart.  This week, while I've been so sick, I've twice asked Jim to pray for me.  While I wait for him to pray, I placed my hand over his heart and asked God to give Jim the words and the desire.  Both times God has answered.  

I know I myself am one giant audacious prayer.  I am no where near the wife that God wants me to be, but I am longing for my husband to be the leader that God wants him to be in our marriage.  I wish I knew my Bible well enough to find those scriptures every time, but for now I will have to settle with finding them as I go and making a note to remember when I come back.

I can see God working in my family.  My son has started a Bible Study with the church and a devotional just for him that he does every day.   Every day he asks if he can borrow my bible because he doesn't have one.  For my birthday, I'm going to buy Ryan his own Bible that he can underline and make notes in and love on as I'm starting to do with my own.
The first time he saw me mark on mine, he asked if I was allowed to do that, as if I had just marked in a library book.
My reply was what one of my youth pastors told me a LONG time ago:

 "God wants us to make notes.  That's how we love on our Bibles.  We make notes, underline, highlight and bookmark scripture for future reference.  You can never read the Bible the same way twice."

I want my son to long for God in his life the way I do.  I know I have a LOT of work, but we are all God's work.

I know as I'm writing this, I'm scattered and a little ADD.  There has just been so much going on, and I don't want to forget.  Every week I think we are getting a little closer to joining the church.  That is not going to be my decision though.  That will be entirely up to Jim.

Every Sunday that we have been at this church, we have been greeted multiple times.  People remember us the following week.  Even the pastor remembers who we are.  That says a LOT to me.  My standards are not God's standards though.  I look forward to Sundays now more than ever.  It's nice to know that the people at your church know who you are and care about you.  Even if they have only known you for a month.

 I'm really looking forward to growing in Christ and hopefully joining the church.  I feel like it's home.  I can see that God is working in Jim.  I can see God's work in me too.  When I would see prayer requests in an email or on Facebook, sometimes I would pray and sometimes I wouldn't.  It depended on how close to the person I was.  Yea, I know, not good.  Now when I see a request, I stop and say a quick prayer.  I don't pray with the usual "if it's your will Lord" disclaimer.  I pray for the healing.  I pray for the person that made the request.  God doesn't want us to pray with a disclaimer.  He wants us to pray Audacious Prayers.

I pray that God continues to work in me and Jim.  I pray that he helps us in our marriage to have a Godly marriage.  I want to be the wife that God commands me to be.  I want Jim to be husband that God commands him to be.  We have a LOT of work ahead, but with God, NOTHING is impossible.

What can we say about such wonderful things as these?

If God is for us, who can ever be against us?

Romans 8:31

Blessings.....

Ok, so I said I was going to post more throughout the Holidays......Well time got away from me and it never happened.....That's no surprise.  I'm sitting here watching the old Transformers cartoons with Ryan and Brad....It's so funny looking at those two......They are sprawled out on the floor in the living room....I know if Jim were here he would be on the floor with them watching the show too.  He will be here soon....His bus comes in around 5:50 in the evening....I'm blessed having such a great family around me....I was reminded again how blessed I am with the Warner family as part of my family....Brad's sister stood up for me when somebody was attacking me and my family and the relationship that we have....I know that it's not what everybody considers "normal" with blended families, but you know what?  It needs to be the "normal" today......I've seen how the bitterness between the parents has affected my friends growing up.  I refused to marry anybody but Mr. Right......It turned out that Mr. Right wasn't Ryan's father, but that doesn't matter....We have chosen to do what's best for Ryan....Brad and I don't always get along, I will be the first to admit that....Jim and I don't always get along either.  We all want what's best for our family.  We aren't always going to agree on everything.

If there is one thing I learned as an adopted child, your family is not always defined by blood relations.  If that was the case, then I didn't have any family until Ryan was born, then when I found Vicky and met my brothers and sister.  Honestly, I've been adopted by more than just my Mom and Dad.  In 7th grade, by best friend and her family "adopted" me.  They are still my family to this day.  When Ryan came along, Brad's family adopted me.  Then after Brad and I broke up, they still kept me around.  We didn't always get along or see eye to eye, then again, we still don't.  We have learned how to communicate better with each other now.  When I married Jim, not only was he "adopted" by my family, he was "adopted" by Brad's family as well.  Is that the "norm"?  No it's not.  At least not what the average person considers the norm.  It's the norm for us.  It works for us.  Somebody said that they feel like Jim is sharing his marriage with Brad and his family.  He's not.  The only other person Jim shares this marriage with is Ryan.  Ryan always has been and always will be my number one priority.  Jim knew this from day one.  I was accused of hiding the truth about Brad and Ryan from Jim when we first got together.  That couldn't be further from the truth.  Jim knew from the moment we met that I had a son, and had a decent relationship with Brad and the Warner family.  He knew from day one what the relationship was and how it was going to be.  I actually told him that if he didn't like it, he could head for the door.  Jim made the choice to stick around and be a part of this family unit.  When things started to sour with Brad and I, Jim stepped in and mended the friendship between me, Brad and his family.  I myself have spent almost all of Ryan's birthdays, Thanksgivings, and Christmases with Brad and his family.  When Jim came he joined us too.  Brad and his family have always welcomed us into their home, and likewise they are always welcome in ours.  Ryan is a very well adjusted boy when it comes to being a part of a blended family.  I don't understand why people can't see that.  Jim and I have been married for almost 7 years.  He does everything he can to ensure Ryan's best interests.  Jim and I have a very strong marriage.  We have had many ups and downs during this time.  Not a single one of the bad times was a result of the relationship with Brad's family.  I wish people could look beyond their noses and the whole situation before passing judgment.  Ironically, the problems in our marriage that we have had, were a result of the narrowmindednes of these judgemental people.  To some people, I never have been and never will be "right" for Jim.  It's a good thing that Jim is a "big boy" and can make his own decisions regarding his life.

My 30th birthday is right around the corner and I'm thankful that in the short time I have been on this earth,God has blessed me with much.  He has taught me many lessons in my life, and I look forward to learning many more.

I am thankful for the family God has made for me.  They are not all my blood family, but they are my family still and I'm glad that God chose them for me.

Ryan's Trip To The Radio

I tried to embed a video earlier and I guess it didn't work.  Before Christmas, Ryan got a special treat to visit the KVIL radio station. Every morning we listen to the Gene and Julie show and we play along with the Big Fat Liar bit. Here is the audio and a few photos that we took while we were there.

Thanks & Adoption

This month is a month for being thankful for all our blessings. This month is also National Adoption Month. I'm in a unique position where I can combine both. 30 years ago today, my mother was 25 weeks pregnant with me. She was probably showing fairly well. She was probably feeling me move around and kick. As hyper as I was as a child, I imagine I was fairly active in her tummy. I was about the size of an eggplant. My mother was also facing a very difficult decision. At that point she had already decided not to abort her unplanned pregnancy. You see, my mother was only 17. She was not in a position where she could provide for a baby and raise a child. The decision she was facing was placing me for adoption. As a mother of an unplanned child, I can tell you that once you feel this life moving inside you, your love grows by leaps and bounds. It's a feeling that I can't describe, but it's wonderful. Ultimately my mother placed me for adoption. The family that adopted me loved me since before I was born. My parents had tried to have another baby after my sister was born. They weren't successful, so they decided to adopt. They gave me the live that my mother wanted me to have, but couldn't give me. I can't say that I made their job easy, but they loved me no matter what I did or said. To this day I am thankful not only to Mom and Dad, but to my Mother as well. Together the three of them shaped me into the adult and mother that I am today. They all shaped the decisions I would make and the life that I am blessed to have. I would like to share a poem that I hold near to my heart that says how I feel quite well.

Once there were two women who never knew each other.

One you do not remember, the other you call Mother.

Two different lives shaped to make you one.

One became your guiding star, the other became your sun.

The first one gave you life, and the second taught you to live it.

The first gave you a need for love. The second was there to give it.

One gave you a nationality. The other gave you a name.

One gave you a talent. The other gave you aim.

One gave you emotions. The other calmed your fears.

One saw your first sweet smile. The other dried your tears.

One sought for you a home that she could not provide.

The other prayed for a child and her hope was not denied.

And now you ask me, through your tears,

the age-old question unanswered through the years.

Heredity or environment, which are you a product of?

Neither, my darling. Neither. Just two different kinds of Love.

~Author Unknown~

This month, I am thankful for the choice of adoption. It's a truly difficult choice to make and one filled with more love than can be put into words.

Thank you Mom and Dad for choosing to give me a home and raise me.

Thank you Mom for loving me so much that you were willing to part with me for so long.

I love all three of you more than I could ever put into words. God has a special place waiting for you guys when it's time for you to ascend into Heaven.

Posted with love,

Tina De La Rosa Halley,

Daughter of Kathie and Phil De La Rosa

Daughter of Vicky Carter.

Here is a picture of my Mom's and I at my wedding.

From L to R:

Ronnie, Vicky, Me, Kathie, Ana

My birthfamily is on the left,

and my family that raised me is on the right.