Questions

These last few months have been spent questioning myself and my choices over the last few years.  I guess that has been the catalyst to me going back to school.  When I look back at my life, I don't have much to show for it.  Since I have been an adult, I have been someones mom.  For the last seven years, I have been someones wife.  I have never been my own person.  I have never traveled.  I have never had the time to figure out what I want to do with my life.  That choice was made for me before I had time to think.  Well, sort of.  I had very little time to make a VERY difficult choice.  As we struggle financially, I have my days where I wonder if I made the right choice for Ryan.  I know that he probably could have had a far better life.  We can’t give him all the things other people can.  But what we can’t give him, we far make up for with love.  At least I hope we do.  I have been a lot harder on him lately.  Harder on him about his schoolwork.  Harder on him about his sports.  Harder on him about his temper.  What’s funny is that he makes all A’s and B’s in school.  He is smart as can be.  He is a very well behaved boy.  He could try harder at his sports, but he’s at an age where he’s dealing with laziness.  I know we have to nip it in the bud soon and we are working on that.  I just wish I could have more patience.  Is it too late for me to start going back to school and get a degree.  I got really overwhelmed with my Maymester at school.  It was only a two week class.  How am I going to get through 4 years?  What about work?  How will I be able to find and hold down a part time job and balance my home activities and Ryan’s sports, and being a mom and being a wife?  Am I taking on too much?  Asking too much of myself?  I’m pretty sure I made an A though.  That says something good right?  I guess while I’m taking my basics, I should figure out what I want to do.  It’s not much time, but at least I will figure out what I want to do with my life right?  Music has always been my love, but the more I think about it, the less it seems like that’s what I want to do.  I LOVE to sing.  I’m just maybe not so sure about the teaching part of it.  There isn’t much around this area to do if you just love to sing.  I have to find a profession.  Is this a Mid-Life Crisis?  Am I old enough for a Mid-Life Crisis?  Why does this seem so hard?  Why does everything have to be so difficult?  

Tough Day

Today we had to give our persuasive speeches in class.  There were many about drunk driving, texting while driving and driving while sleepy.  There was one that just hit me hard.  One of our international students did a Pro Abortion persuasive speech.  As soon as I saw the title, it just hurt.  I put my head down and just tried to maintain control of my emotions.  I was not very successful.  It just drove home the point to me that we still have not conceived.  I know that God has a plan for this.  It may not be in line with mine and I have to accept that.  It still doesn't change the hurt that I feel.  It still doesn't take away the pain.  I have been blessed to share this class with some amazing people.  These classmates have only known me for a couple of weeks.  They still reached out to comfort me.  They knew I was hurting and reached out to let me know that they care.  That alone makes me thankful for all the people that God has put in my life.

I just had to let it out.  If any of my classmates come by my blog, I want to say thank you.  You are all amazing and these last two weeks has been a blast.

Babies, Babies, Everywhere

I've been reading a lot about couples waiting for years to have a baby and struggling with fertility.  As more of our friends become pregnant, I wonder about parents that already have one child but have been struggling to have another for many years.  I had Ryan at a very young age and I am thankful everyday for him.  But since I married my husband, I have longed to be able to give my husband a child of his own.  He already thinks of Ryan as his own, but I mean a child of his own flesh and blood that he doesn't have to share.  I know that sounds so selfish.  We started trying as soon as we were married so that Ryan wouldn't have the age gap between his siblings that my sister and I have.  We have been married for seven years now and nothing.  I am truly happy for my friends that are pregnant and having babies, but my heart still aches for the babies I don't have.  I don't know if that makes sense.  I wish I knew of other people that already have a child and have struggled for a second.  Ryan was a surprise.  Totally not planned.  Now that I want another, why can't it be as easy?  I just don't understand.  It's just so hard some days.

Sorry, I just had to say this.  I've been hurting for a while now.  Some days are harder than others.  Today is one of those days.

My Angel On Earth

Fun at the park!

We are on top of the world!

My angel being sweet with my BFF's littlest angel

Gonna Climb this rock!

School

So I'm planning to go back to school this summer.  Oh Boy.....  I filled out my FAFSA this afternoon for both Summer and Fall.  Pray that I get the money I need.  It's going to cost a LOT more than it used to.  I remember when it was $20/semester hour.  Now it's $50.  YIKES!!!  I'm kinda scared because it's been a LONG time since I was in school.  I tried to go to college right after Ryan was born.  That didn't work out to well.  He's been in school now for 5 1/2 years.  It's time for me to go back.  As long as I can fit my classes between 8:30 and 3:00, I'm good.  My goal is to take 8 hours per Summer semester and 18 per Spring and Fall semester.  I haven't decided on mini-mesters yet.  Probably not.  Summer is already going to be hard since Ryan is out of school.  They have a college for kids program in the Summer.  Maybe he can enroll and go while I'm in class.  That would work out great!!!  I've always said that I'm going to go back to college when Ryan starts school.  Well it's going to happen about 5 years after I originally planned, but I'm doing it.

In other news, I think I found a prayer journal today.  I have to go back to get it though.  I didn't have the money today.  I'm going to be a busy lady soon.

Please pray that I can handle it all.

Infertility

A good friend of mine posted a video this evening on her FaceBook about infertility.  I watched this video a few minutes ago.  Jim and I have tried for a baby since we got married.  Everybody knows I just have Ryan.  There is a line in a movie that Jim and I watch all the time.  "How can I miss somebody so much that I've never even met?"  When I got pregnant with Ryan, it was not planned.  Up until I found out I was pregnant, I was under the impression that I would never have kids.  At the time, that was fine with me.  I admit, I did things way out of order.  I never even married Brad.  It's funny, at a time when I didn't want to have anything to do with kids, I got pregnant.  BOOM!  There he was.  When I decided I was ready for another....Nothing....I had one miscarriage a couple years ago.  I didn't know about it until I went in for testing to see if there were any problems with hormones and my ovaries.  My body was in the process of expelling everything.  I knew exactly when it was conceived....We had a dry spell because we were having some problems...Made up...Then I got sick.  I was only 4 wks along.  I had no clue.  Before or since, as far as I know, nothing.  This really opened my eyes.  The ladies that were talking said that it seems like when you are struggling with infertility, it seems like everyone is getting pregnant but you.  That feeling is so true.  We were a part of a small group a few years ago.  When we joined that group, each couple had one child.  There were 6 children total.  Since then 16 more children have been born to those original 6 couples.  We were not as lucky.  I have gone through so many emotions over the last 7 years.  I have gone through sadness.  I have been angry at God.  I have been angry at myself.  I have felt like I'm not a good enough wife because I can't give my husband any children to carry on his lineage.  Even as I write this, I'm fighting off tears.  I have a few friends that understand what I'm feeling.  Most days I can keep busy and try not to think about it.  It's always in the back of my mind.  Nagging at me.  Eating at my heart.  I'm trying not to be angry at God.  I know he has his own time and plan.  We had a sermon at Church a few weeks ago.  At the beginning they showed a video with abortion statistics.  It hurt so much to see just how many babies are killed every year.  There are so many of us that would DIE to have those babies.  Don't get me wrong, I am happy for my friends that are getting pregnant and having babies.  I am thankful for my Ryan.  Some days I feel like I'm a part of one big practical joke.  Give me a child when I don't want one, then when I want another not give me anything.  It's like eating one M&M and throwing away the rest.  I am truly thankful for God's blessings in my life.  We jut always seem to want the one thing we can't have.  For me, it's another child.  The more time that goes by, the older Ryan gets.  Now I fear he's too old to have a baby around the house.

Here is the video:

Changes

I am sitting here with my family on the final night of my 20's.  As I look back at the last 10 years, I see a lot of changes that took place.  The very first change that was made was a matter of days after my 20th birthday.  I found out that I was going to be a mom.  Talk about mind blowing news.  I have to be honest, up until I found out that I was pregnant with Ryan, I had sworn of children altogether.  Fast forward to September.  Ryan was born on Grandparent's Day that year.  Boy I was so not ready for the journey that I was starting.  I look back though and realize that Sept. 9, 2001 was the best day of my life.  I'm not going to go into all the changes that have happened in the last 10 years....mostly because I'd lose people early on. I met and married my husband when I was 23.  There was another change I wasn't ready for.  I had to share.  I have never been good at sharing things.  I was used to doing things my own way and by myself.  In the nearly 7 years that I have been married, I have grown and changed in many ways.  If someone had told me on my 20th birthday that before I was 25, I'd be married with a son, I would have called you crazy.  My plan back then was to leave this state and be singing for my supper.  Well if I have learned anything at all, it is that God has a unique sense of humor as well as a different plan for my life.  Looking back at his plans for my life and what I had planned for my life, I like his plans better.  My plan was a lonely road.  He had a family set for me.  It's not your typical family, but it's my family and I love all of them.  Jim and I have weathered many storms in our marriage, but we've come out well.  We still have each other and Ryan.  I can't ask for more.  I didn't deserve what God had for me.  I still don't deserve what God has given me.  I joke sometimes about giving the guys away to the next person I see, but honestly, I never could.  The chaos is pretty good around here.  I just need to learn to stop and enjoy it more.  It took 30 years, but I'm finally starting to give my troubles to God and let him keep them.  For most of the last 10 years, I give my troubles to God, then I took them back.  If you don't know me that well, I am a control freak.  Over the last 10 years I have felt little or no control over what has happened.  I try to control everything and the truth is, I can't.  I drove myself into an out of control state of anxiety.  There is a reason that God gave us Jim.  Jim is the one with the cool head.  Jim can see the bigger picture.  I need to listen to him more.  Jim was the catalyst to my relationship with Brad being what it is.  During the last 10 years, I became a wife and mother.  Just in the wrong order.  My family grew in a very non traditional way.  When I had Ryan, my family didn't just grow by one person.  It grew by many persons.  I gained a mother.  I gained a father.  I gained a sister.  I gained a niece.  Since I had Ryan, I've gained another niece and a nephew.  Lastly, through lots of work and effort, I gained a very good friend and brother.  When I talk about my family, I'm not just talking about the De La Rosa family, I'm also talking about the Warner family too.  I now have 3 moms and 2 dads.  The cool thing about that is that my parents have been married for 43 years now.  I found my birthmother when I was 21.  We still see her and talk often.  I talk to my Warner Mom almost daily.  Sometimes I call her to tell her Ryan's latest comment or funny moment, and sometimes we talk just to talk.  Not everybody likes the family dynamic, but it's not their choice.  These are choices Jim and I have made together.  I was adopted as a newborn.  I guess that's why I don't just consider family by blood relation.  If I had done that, I'd have a pretty tiny family.  Family loves you no matter what.  No matter what mistakes or boneheaded things you do, your family loves you unconditionally.  I'm blessed with the family that God chose for me.  It's not traditional, but I love it.  I had been feeling sorry for myself this week because with the 20's leaving me, so is my chance to do things that I thought I should do.  The truth is, I have done a lot with my life in the last 10 years.  It hasn't been boring either.  God never gives you more than you can handle with him.  There have been many times I had wished that he didn't trust me so much, but now that I'm on the other side, I'm really happy with my path.  I haven't been the best steward with all that God has given me, but I'm working to be better.

I will close with Psalm 23.  This has always been my favorite Bible Verse.

The Lord is my shepherd;

      I have all that I need.

 ² He lets me rest in green meadows;

      he leads me beside peaceful streams.

    ³ He renews my strength.

   He guides me along right paths,

      bringing honor to his name.

 ⁴ Even when I walk

      through the darkest valley,

   I will not be afraid,

      for you are close beside me.

   Your rod and your staff

      protect and comfort me.

 ⁵ You prepare a feast for me

      in the presence of my enemies.

   You honor me by anointing my head with oil.

      My cup overflows with blessings.

 ⁶ Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me

      all the days of my life,

   and I will live in the house of the Lord

      forever.