Grief

 

This photo was taken on a sunny day in October, 2021 in the parking lot of the Tom Thumb in Pantego, Texas.

    I haven't written in a while.  I have another blog.  I don't feel as if this belongs there.  This post is hard.  It's probably the hardest thing I've ever had to write.  No, I'm sure every post will be hard to write.  

    On a beautiful sunny day in October, as I was heading to see my mom, I stopped at Tom Thumb for something....not too sure what now.  I saw this as I was coming out of the store and snapped a photo.  I've never seen something like this before and I thought about how beautiful it was.  When I pulled up at my mom's place, the hospice nurse was outside waiting for me.  In my heart, I already knew what she was going to say.  

    I called my sister, husband and my son.  If we were going to see her, it had to be now.  My dad couldn't come because he was in the hospital and thanks to covid, we couldn't go and pick him up without messing up his stuff.  We called my dad with FaceTime.  We all stayed for a while and talked to my mom.  

After a while everyone left and it was just my mom and I.  It's kind of fitting.  She and I were always together.  We were inseparable.  Where one of us was, usually the other was close at hand.  A little after 8 that evening, my mother took her last breath on this Earth and joined her parents and multitudes of cousins, aunts and uncles in Heaven.

    I called everyone, my dad, my sister, my husband, my son, his dad's family, my aunts and uncles, then our friends and my biological siblings.  I finally called my birthmother.  I think it was the next day.  That relationship is a story for another blog and time though.  It took several days for me to call everyone that I could think of.  

    Pain.  So much pain.  When you hear someone say that a broken heart hurts, you never think of the physical pain.  You just think that it's emotional and that someday, it will go away.  I've always lumped grief in with that.  There is a reason we have the word heartache.  It is a physical pain. Some days it's a dull ache and some days, there is a knife in there, and someone is just twisting it over and over.  The pain is so unbearable that it's hard to breathe.  You can't eat because the pain your feeling is so great that it makes you nauseous.  

    I've been told that the pain doesn't go away, it just hurts different over time.    I'm tired of the hurt.  It's not just hurt.  I'm angry too sometimes.  I'm angry because I'm not ready to live without her.  I'm angry because it hurts so much.  I'm angry because my life will forever be different and I don't want it to be.  I'm angry because the one person I called every day to talk about everything from big decisions to the most mundane chit chat, is gone.  She was my best friend, my ride or die, my person.

The posts that follow this will follow me as I navigate this journey.  

This is my story.  

This is my grief.

Blessings in the Storm

This is was my view as I ate breakfast this morning.  It may not seem like much, but to me, It's beautiful.  Valentine's day is a reminder for us to remind our loved ones how much they are loved.

Valentine's Day has become much like Christmas.  People go out and spend crazy kinds of money on fancy dinners, gifts and everything else under the sun.  Don't get me wrong, I love the occasional gifts of candy.  Who doesn't?  This year is different.  For us, this "holiday" seems to fall at a bad time.

Yesterday started off good.  I made us both breakfast, we ran some errands, then we got into a tiff.  Nothing major and it's not like we won't have many more in our lives together.  He got upset at something I said, then I crawled into my shell and shut down.  I started by not communicating my point very well.  He got upset, then it just went downhill.  We talked about it a bit later, and things were good again.

I saw a video in Pinterest (that is a very dangerous place for me...much like Target) and I decided that I wanted us to make this dessert as a team for Valentine's day.  Due to my lack of cooking skills, I had to modify the recipe to something that I could make and not burn the house down (don't ask, you don't want to know).  They turned out really good and yes, they were delicious!

Chris had to run back to the store because I don't keep real sugar in the house.  We just don't ever use it.  I was still frustrated and upset about how the day seemed to be going, so I laid down on the couch to feel sorry for myself.  I know, that was very selfish of me.  Be honest, everyone does that from time to time.  We are human.  While he was at the store he got some flowers and a card.  When he got home, he put them on the table then called me out to the kitchen for a hug.  Still feeling sorry for myself, I got up and went in there to get a hug.  I was so wrapped up in my own selfishness that I didn't see the flowers on the table.  He had to tell me to look at the table.  Being me, I started crying (I know, I cry over EVERYTHING).  When I finally stopped crying, he apologized because he didn't feel like it was enough.  He said that it was all he could get right now, because things have been tight for a while.  To him, the gift was small and not worth much.  To me, it's worth more than all the gold in the world.  His love for me is one of my most valued treasures.  It's not about the gifts or the size of the gifts, it's about the love that is shown and given through those gifts.  I feel his love in the smallest of gestures as well as the grand gestures.  He is my soulmate, best friend, partner, etc..  Those flowers and the sweet bear mean the world to me.

Since things have been tight, we made our own Valentine's Day Dinner.  I forgot how much I sometimes like to cook.  As long as it's easy anyway.  I think I did good.  We had marinated chicken with cheese on top, broccoli & cheese and shells and cheese.  Kinda into the cheese thing I guess.  It was really good.  Ryan was a sweetheart also.  He gave us some time at dinner to have it be just Chris and I.  He then joined us for the remainder of the meal.  I couldn't take a photo of the table by candlelight because it just wouldn't turn out.  It was still too dark, but if I used the flash, it washed out everything.  This was the table before we ate.

It's a given that Ryan and Chris are my main squeezes and my valentines, but I also have Scooter and Shelley.  I couldn't get Shelley to sit still for a good photo.  Clearly I love all things Dachshund.  As evidenced by my Wine bottle (Beer bottle) holder.  I also have many other decorations.  My wonderful mother in law knows me far too well!

I have to say that I'm truly blessed.  Looking at the photos, there are so many things to be thankful for in my life.  Do we have our share of struggles right now?  Absolutely!  Will we get through them?  I have no doubt.  

I've been reading a daily devotional called Jesus Calling.  It was a gift from one of my CRHP sisters.  Over the last few weeks, it seems as if each day was written for the struggles I'm facing that day.  Today's seemed spot on with how I felt when I woke up today.  Life has been so overwhelming as of late and my fear and anxiety have taken hold as they always do when I don't know the plan ahead or what the future holds.  What hit me the most is probably one of my favorite verses.  Luke 1:37 - For nothing is impossible with God.

Two songs that have been in heavy rotation on my phone and in my head lately are Oh My Soul and Praise You in this Storm both by Casting Crowns.  Again, these lyrics speak to my life right now.  Over the last few years, I've stayed strong in my faith no matter what came my way.  Then in October, we had some stuff happen with Ryan that shook me to my core.  It's been a slow daily battle for him mostly, but for us also.  He has to have the will to get better, and he does.  It's just a very slow and sometimes agonizing process.  Those that need to know, already do.  Please don't ask.  Nothing personal, just still very painful to talk about.  On top of that, we've had more storms come our way.  Gradually, Chris has found his faith and has been my rock as I seem to be losing mine at times.  During a particularly trying week, Chris came to know the Lord and was Baptized last month.  His faith has been so much stronger than mine but seeing his faith has pushed me to cling to mine stronger again.  These two songs (I've attached the links below) just seem to speak to exactly what is going on with us.  God is good.  Nothing is impossible for Him.  Some days, that's hard to remember.  Other days, it's easy to turn to Him and say "take this".  I'm not good at it, and I  know that nobody is.  Some times its a day by day, and some times it's one very small and agonizing step at a time.

Oh My Soul - Casting Crowns

Praise You In this Storm - Casting Crowns

I leave you with the two photos below of the gift from my husband.  It's not the size, it's the amount of love.  That is the most important and valuable part of the gift.  The love.

Psalm 23:4 - Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

Luke 1:37 - For nothing is impossible with God

God is Good

A lot has happened to our family over the last 6 months.  From my son, to the holidays and our employment.  In the middle of all of that we were broken and my faith was deeply shaken.  At church one Sunday in December, Chris went to talk to our pastor and became a Christian.  3 weeks ago, Chris was baptized.  I don't have the official video from the church, but I do have the video that I took and a few photos.  While the days have not gotten easier, having someone that shares my faith there to be my rock when I'm faltering has been comforting.  Chris, I am soooo proud of you and I look forward to watching you grow in your faith and to see what God has planned for you and for the rest of our lives together!!!!

This was a day that I have been praying for for almost 2 years.  With God, anything is possible.

"For nothing is impossible with God." - Luke 1:37

Teacher Appreciation

It's Teacher Appreciation Day, but in reality, it should be a whole month, not just a day.  I have many teachers that made a difference in my life for different reasons.  I had teachers that believed in me, when I didn't believe in myself.  I had teachers that found ways to pull me out of myself, when I just wanted to hide and be alone.  I had teachers that knew what I could do and wouldn't let me get away with anything less than my best.  I had teachers that were a friend when I needed one the most.  Those teachers are special people.

There are many teachers out there that are still like the men and women I just described.  They care deeply for our children and losing even one is one too many.  As much as we hate to admit it as parents, they see more of our children than we do.  They shape the lives and minds of our children.  Most parents are appreciative.  However, there are many parents that do nothing more than beat down todays educators.  In addition to those parents, there are men and women that have never set foot in a classroom beyond their own school days beating down our teachers also.  Where does it stop?  When did educating our children become a business?  You can't run a classroom like a business.  It won't work.  Every child is different.  Every child has different needs.  Teachers need to be able to meet those needs and find ways to reach each child to give them the best education possible.  They can't do that when they have to drill children over and over on a test.  Not only does it not make any sense, but it also creates an entire generation of children with test anxiety.  As adults, there are many tests in life that we take, but not like the ones in school.  How is this test going to be a part of my child's life when he's in the workforce?  It's not.  I agree, that the occasional test should be required to gauge the skills that our children are learning, but standardized testing isn't the answer.  There is no standardized way children learn.  There never will be.  The truth is, our children come in many different shapes.  Trying to fit them all into a hole made for a square means that many will get left behind.  That needs to change.  If we must have standardized testing, then teachers need to be the ones writing the test, not businessmen and women who've not been in a classroom since they attended school.  Only educators can best know what it is that our children need to learn.  Give our educators the freedom to educate our children.  There is not a test out there that should require the amount of time that we currently spend on prep.  A week of review should be sufficient.  Not CA after CA and Practice Test after Practice Test.  I want to hear from my son what he actually learned in school, not that he had to take another CA.  We have many wonderful educators out there that have the ability to reach our kids and teach them.  We are allowing them to be chased away.

Stand up for our children by standing up for their teachers.  Those men and women are on the front lines trying to educate and prepare our children for real life while at the same time trying to protect them from anything that could hurt them.  They are the first line of defense for our children.  Let's show our children's teachers that we do appreciate them.  Every day, not just one day a year.  Stand up for our educators.  We need to be asking them what we can do to help them.

What can you do to appreciate a teacher today?  What can you do to help a teacher today?

To all my teachers and my son's teachers,

THANK YOU!!!!

New Beginnings

So many things have happened since my last post.  It's been almost 5 years.  The biggest happening is that I got to start my life over.  Divorce is never easy and it's never meant to happen.  The fact is that it did and that chapter in my life is over.  I've learned many things.  I found my heart and my voice again.  After my divorce, I was blessed to be given a second chance.  He has been instrumental in finding me.  The woman I really am.  The woman I never took the time to find.  I grew up fast.  I never had the chance to figure out who I am.  I went from a child to a mother overnight.  I then became someone's wife.  How do you choose your life mate, your partner in crime, your lover when you don't know who you are.  The truth is, you can't.  The person I was when I married my ex-husband is not the same person I am today.  I can't be.  I was still growing up.  Over the last year, my husband has worked hard to pull me out of the shell I've hidden myself in.  It was safe in that shell.  I wasn't living though.  I have lived more of a life in the last year, than I lived in the last 17 years.  I have found who I am as a person.  Correction, I'm finding who I am as a person.  My husband has been instrumental in that.  He doesn't let me run away and hide.  When the going gets tough, he stands right by my side and faces it with me.  When he needs to, he holds me up and when it comes to it, stands in front of me and protects me.  For the first time, I feel safe.  Life is never going to be easy, but I have a partner to face it with me.  He is incredibly talented, smart, sweet and nothing short of amazing.  He jumped into probably the oddest family dynamic without question.  My life has been complicated from the moment I became a mom.  That's not easy for anybody to just jump into.  When we got engaged on my birthday back in February, we had decided that we were going to have a long engagement.  Our original Wedding Date was Dec. 18, 2019.  A few weeks, an ER, and a few doctors visits later, we find out I need to have surgery.  Without hesitation, he suggests we get married sooner so that I can get insurance.  By the end of March, we were married.  Not only did we have the support of my family (all of them) and friends, we had the support of his family and friends.  We've always had the support of his family.  The amount of love in my life fills my heart!  Without question, I know that this is where my life is supposed to be.  I had to take a long and winding road to get here, but so did he.  We had to travel on those paths to become the people that we are today.  My heart is happy and full! There is a love that I can not only feel, but I see it.  I see it every day.  Most people don't get a second chance to make a new life.  I have been given a second chance.  I intend to life this life to the fullest with my husband and son by my side every step of the way. 

Ryan is 13!!!

13 years ago today, my whole world was turned upside down.  I may have been 20, but I was still a baby myself.  I became a mom.  From then on, my world has been centered on one person.  Ryan.  I was terrified.  There wasn't a nurturing bone in my body then, let alone maternal instinct.  I was struggling in a relationship and trying to figure out this "mom" thing.  Every day was a struggle.  Every day was ripping me to shreds.  It was very hard.  I kept wondering if the struggle would ever end.  Each day seemed harder than the day before.  I suppose I had choices, but I didn't feel like I did.  I felt so alone.  The funny thing is, I wasn't.  Not by a long shot.  Ry's dad and I didn't make it, but that in no way diminished the support I had.  In fact, it only strengthened the bond with his family.  Ry took a major spill shortly after he started walking.  That instant feeling in my heart and my gut finally matched up with my brain.  I can't explain it.  Once I got off the phone with the Dr. and got him checked out, that's when it hit.  I am a mom.  I can do this.  I'm not alone.  As I write this, I have tears in my eyes.  I finally felt that connection.  That bond between a mother and her child.  That unbreakable string connecting the two.  From there my world changed again.  It was easier.  I did know what I was doing.  What I didn't know in my brain, my body instinctively knew what to do.  Every day of the last 13 years, I've had not just one, but many by my side.  Oh sure, we've all had our fights.  Some more than others. (Y'all know who you are!  LOL)  We've all fought for one common thing though.  What's best for Ryan.  There are many of us that want the best for him.  We all have very strong and dominant personalities.  I'm sure we will have many more fights for the rest of our lives.  I wouldn't trade the last 13 years for anything.  Each year up until now, his birthday was just another birthday.  Not a big deal.  He's such a cutie.  This year is different.  He's not my baby anymore.  He's not my little boy anymore.  He's in a new school for the first time since 2nd grade.  He's in a different environment altogether for the first time in his life.  Expectations are far different than they were just a year ago.  My "yittle guy" is a young man now.  He's handled the change as if it were no big deal.  He's thriving too!  He's involved already in many things.  I can't believe that those days that seemed to never end have not only ended, but 13 years of never-ending days have passed.  I'm not needed as much, except for being a taxi.  He does so much on his own now.  Things I did for him every day for years it seemed.  Soon he won't need me at all.  I fear that time is coming quickly and sooner than I'd like.  I'm so proud and happy about how well he's thriving this year in school.  I'm so proud at how responsible and mature he is.  (Compared to me at that age.)  I just can't believe some days that this is the baby that I cradled in my arms for a year.  The toddler that took off running once he figured out how to walk.  The little guy that made friends so easily wherever he went.  The little boy that was always so loving and sweet all the time.  The tween that still wasn't too cool for his parents.  The boy that is proud of his family.  No matter how "odd" our family looks to outsiders.  And now I have a teenager.  Who still loves his parents and isn't afraid to show the world.  The teenager that sees now that our family is different from "normal" families and understands why and is proud of us anyway.  Some days I felt as if I was a failure as a mom.  I don't do the crafty room mom things.  I'm just not that creative.  I don't bake treats for the bake sales.  I don't bake much if at all.  I don't have the creative teacher gifts that are so cute.  Some days, I only got out of bed to take him to school and pick him up.  Those days he just laid with me when he got home and "took care of mom"  The love in his heart just overwhelms me.  Somedays I wonder where that came from.  This young man has a spirit in him and a love in him that is greater than anything I could have asked God for.  I've not been the perfect patient example of what a mom should be.  As a matter of fact, I'm probably the poster child for how not to handle some things.  He's been my world.  I wonder sometimes, how could this wonderful young man have come from me.

NOW HEAR THIS!!!!!

Now hear this people!!!

 I love yall, and I love getting to go out to eat with yall, but I will NO longer go to the local greasy spoon or fat filled restaurant.  If you want us with you, there must be healthy alternatives on the menu.  What I mean by that is, I have to be able to find the nutrition facts for said restaurant on the internet somewhere.  I am only eating healthy gluten free.  If you really want us but really want that greasy spoon, do NOT be offended if I bring my own meal shake with me.  That is why I have gained back some of this weight and been stuck at a plateau.

This goes for my whole family.  We will ONLY eat gluten free clean food.  I am NOT ashamed to bring shakes or alternatives for us.  If the restaurant is not cool with our diet restrictions and bringing an alternative, then my family and I don't need to eat there.

 I am enforcing this on Ryan, because I know genetically, he is predisposed to diabetes, heart disease obesity and high blood pressure.  I am aware that he is really skinny now, but teaching him to eat nothing but crap now means he will eat nothing but crap all his life.  I was teeny tiny all my life and even into my mid 20's.  I then blew up like a ballon and have had many health problems as a result.  I will NOT have Ry go through that.  If you can't be supportive in me teaching my family to live a healthy lifestyle, then get to steppin, because we don't need crap in our lives.  I am sick and tired of hearing excuses as to why my skinny husband and son should be able to eat crap.  I am not being too hard on my family.  I know many people that have health problems related to their diets, they know that is what is causing the problems and do absolutely nothing to change that.  I have no sympathy.  I'm sorry, but y'all are bringing this on yourselves.  I will NOT live like that any more.  I refuse to be a prisoner in my own body.

Don't you dare judge me for only wanting my son to eat clean healthy food.  That is NOT torture people.  That is teaching him to lead a healthy life.  Since when did it become child abuse to make your child eat healthy food?  My job as a mom, is to raise a healthy, happy child that can take care of himself, and his family and lead a healthy adult life.  If that is child abuse, well then, I sure am abusing the hell out of that boy.  He is happy, relatively healthy and can already do many things around the house most children and adults can't even do.  I think that is a damn good thing.

If you don't like that, then cut me out of your life.  If all you want is crap in your life, I want no part of it.  I have my own personal demons to deal with.  If you can't be a positive influence or you don't want a positive influence in your life, then you don't want me or my family in your life.

Done.