"I've been shot"

Words no wife ever wants to hear anybody say, let alone her husband.  At first, I didn't believe him and I kinda laughed.  Then I heard the panic of the voices in the background telling him that he needed to go to the hospital.  He told me to drive carefully, but to head to the hospital.  I called my father in law first and told him.  Then I called a couple from our community group, who also told me to drive carefully.  The drive to the hospital is a blur to me.  I know I called my best friend.  Beyond that, I have no idea.  When I got there, Chris's boss was there and my father in law got there around the same time.  As soon as I saw his boss, I lost it.  I very distinctly remember him hugging me until I calmed down some.  At first, nobody would give me any information.  I remember I kept saying "I'm his wife". Finally someone told us he was in surgery and took us to the waiting room.  The time just dragged by.  Chris's boss stayed and waited with us for news of his condition.  I can't remember what conversations we had.  I'm sure I made jokes.  When I'm in uncomfortable situations I tend to do that.  Still more hugs though.  The memories of the hugs are just so etched in my mind.  I've only worked for one company where my boss would have done that.  

At some point, the police came to get him so that he could take the keys back to the office for them to process his truck.  You read that right, his truck was at the office.  He drove the rest of the way in after he got shot.  Thankfully, he was only about a half a mile from the office when it happened, but still...

This is what his truck now looks like.  The bullet went through his tailgate, the back of the bed, through the back wall of the interior, the backseat and the driver's seat and ultimately into my husband.  

He was on his way in to work when he was passing a fender bender in progress.  As he was passing by, the vehicle in the very front of the fender bender sped around him and cut him off.  That was the intended target.  That person put my husband between themselves and the shooter.

Shortly before the police came to the waiting room, the surgeon came to tell us where the bullet went, what they had to do and the next steps.  It was still several hours until I was able to see him.  The bullet had gone into his back under the ribcage and about an inch away from his spine.  It missed all the major organs, nicked his small intestines and landed in the front of his abdominal cavity.  The outcome could have been so much worse when you think of the trajectory it took and how close it came to being a much different conversation.  It was still pretty bad.

This is what greeted me when I got to his room. They cut his belly from just below the sternum to right above his pubic bone. In order to make sure there were no fragments or other possible injuries, they had to pull out the entire length of his intestines, search inch by inch, then put them back. There is a tube in his nose that is doing the work of his intestines in this photo.  This tube was in for almost a week before his digestive system started to work again.  Until that point, all that he was getting was coming from several IV bags. That had to stay in until his bowels started working again. I stayed every night.  I know I left at some point to take his truck home and get some clothes, but beyond that, I never left him.  I couldn't.  I was too afraid to.  

The first thing he was allowed when the tube came out was Jello.  You can see that he was very excited about that.  Later on it was the liquid diet, then soft foods, then full on solids.  The silliness in these photos make my heart happy.  He was still in pain.  He had 27 staples in his stomach.  He still found something to smile about though.  His faith changed.  In a good way.  His boss came to visit, several of his coworkers, friends and family.  Our church rallied around us also.  Those that couldn't come called.  His parents were my rock to lean on during this time too.  I am so very thankful for them.  For their love.  For their support.  For all the hugs.  

They had him up and walking almost right away and I walked every step with him. He wasn't always happy about it, understandably too.  This was the first walk taken after they took the tube out of his nose.  I'm not as squeamish as I used to be.  My parents raised the threshold of what I could see and take.  Seeing the tube come out though....everything went white and my stomach turned.  Eight days after this nightmare started, I was able to take my husband home.  He was home a few more weeks before he went back to the office and was back to full days by the time school started.  Through all of this, he did not miss a single day of pay, nor did he have to use his vacation time.  His co-workers donated vacation hours so that he wouldn't have to.  This company, it's more than just a job, it's our family.  I am so deeply grateful to them.  For every hour donated to my husband.  For taking him to the hospital in the first place.  For staying with me while he was in surgery.  For all the visits.  For everything that was done for us and for Chris.  I love each and every one of them.  They made us their family and in doing so, became our family too.  Thank you!  I will leave you with the following video as well as the link to the video on YouTube.  The video on YouTube can be shared.  At this point, we have heard nothing from the police in regards to the investigation.  My prayer is that the video will be shared and somebody will remember something and will contact the police.

4th of July

 

So the 4th of July has become a tradition in our home.  Trooper always gets to ride with me.  This is the first time that I have actually pulled the float for the alumni association.  Trooper sat on my leg the entire time.  He is such a calm and chill boy.  For him, this is just another day.  We have a new addition to our parade this year.  We adopted Doodle over spring break this past March.  She rode in Chris lap in his truck.  She was so adorable and had the cutest dress to wear too.  It's hard to look at this girl and not fall in love with her.  She is the boss of the Randerson household and she knows it.  Doodle and Tropper both had the best time as evidenced by the naps they took as soon as we got home.  That sling....HOT!  I got a heat rash, so I've had the sling off and keeping my arm as cold as possible.  

Summer Break

 

So we kinda did a thing to start off summer break.  With the coming heat, the room we were in just gets too hot.  Gotta love the western facing windows.  We moved our bedroom into the master bedroom of the house.  This was my parent's room for almost 47 years. This was a hard move for me.  I know that I wasn't going to arrange it the same way they had.  I just couldn't.  It's been hard to be in there.  The first couple of weeks, I'm sure I didn't sleep at all.  Those pink, mauve, taupe, whatever you want to call it is awful.  This room will be painted.  For now, we deal with it.  I will gradually figure out how to make this room our room and not mom & dad's.  

We had to move the bedrooms in one weekend so that it would be done before I had shoulder surgery.  It's a long recovery process.  There will be lots of therapy and it will be months before I'm 100%.  The pain immediately after was so much less than it was going in, so it is totally worth it to me.  The hardest part is the staying as immobile as possible.  Especially when the dogs want on your lap and in your face.  I'm not, nor have I ever been all that good at sitting still for any length of time.  I have streamed all of my favorite shows and movies and now I'm starting over.  I wanted to wait for summer break so that I wouldn't miss any school or have any issues.  I live in Texas...  Not exactly my brightest idea, but summer is really the only time of year that I will have a break long enough.  Either the heat or sitting still is going to be the death of me.  This is going to be worth it.  This is going to be a very long summer.

Graduation Day

Main Street Fort Worth, Tx
May 19, 2023

Graduation Day.  Usually those are filled with absolute joy.  This one is bittersweet though.  It is finally the end of my chapter at Tarrant County College.  Leaving a school that is so familiar to me for so long is definitely hard.  The hardest part was not having my parents there to see me.  As you can see, I have a couple of stoles, a medal and cords.  The white stole is because I am a first generation student.  The yellow stole, medal and cords are from Phi Theta Kappa which is the Honor Society for Tarrant County College.  

Sundance Square
Fort Worth, Tx.

In place of my parents, my dad's closest friend came to my graduation.  He is such an amazing man.  He has been an amazing support and is always up for a baseball game, football game, and I'm sure if we can, hockey game.  Daddy & Geoff called ball together for many years.  Geoff has watched me grow up, make many mistakes, and finding my path.  I am thankful for Geoff and for him being a pillar and father figure in my life.  I know that mom and dad are both smiling down on him.

Sundance Square
Fort Worth, Texas

My wonderful husband.  He was the one that told me to go back to school.  He has been the force that drives me to keep going.  Especially on the hard days.  Especially when I don't want to do anything or go anywhere.  When I want to give up.  This journey to finish my education wouldn't be possible without this man right here.  He refuses to let me quit.  He pushes me to do the best I can when it gets too hard.  When the tears come because I just can't get my brain to grasp the concept, he is there to comfort me, kiss my forehead, then push me to keep going.  

School has been fun, and it's been incredibly hard.  While finishing my last class at TCC, I started my first semester at Texas Wesleyan University.  It was hard.  I was working full time.  I was taking 5 classes.  I was struggling.  There were not many friends to be made.  The quantity of work was far more than I'd ever had to do.  I wasn't sleeping, and I wasn't being very successful.  My grade for the first semester was ok.  Lower than I wanted it to be.  I wanted to quit.  I lost my confidence.  My husband and son both pushed me to keep going.  I didn't want to give it a second chance.  I wanted to just walk away.  On top of that, I lost my job.  I was just done and discouraged.  Chris talked me into taking the summer off completely, give myself a break and at least do one more semester and see how that works out.  So we shall see how it goes.  

 

Goals, goals and more goals.

 I was recently asked about my goals.  I was asked about my long term goal and also a more immediate short term goal.  I don't know why, but when I'm asked questions like that where there could be an infinite number of answers, it's debilitatingly overwhelming.  I go blank.  I shut down. Most times I just sit there with my mouth open unable to make a noise.  It happened tonight when my husband told me to pick where we order from.

Goals:

Long Term - This one is easy becauseI have been working for this since 2020.  Thanks Ms. Rona for giving me some time.  I want to be an attorney.  More specifically, a family attorney that specializes in adoptions.  I was adopted at birth.  It didn't always make my life easy.  

     There were times that I was proud of being adopted.  There were times I was ashamed, because in my twisted little brain, I felt that I was thrown out like yesterday's trash.  Yea, I know, that's not true.  Bullies ruin lots of things.  My parents always offered to help me find my birthparents when I turned 18.  I didn't take them up on that right away.  Then I had an unplanned pregnancy and made the decision to place the baby for adoption.  Last minute change of plans and I became a mom to an amazing boy.  Then I needed information.  I was scared.  I needed advice that I thought only my birthmother could give me.  She was always standoffish, but we still had a relationship for almost twenty years.  Then she'd said some incredibly nasty things.  I realized then just how much my mom and dad had been my best friends, my confidantes and my advisors.  It's crazy how you never realize these things until they are gone.  I want to give back to families like mine.  I want to help those that didn't plan on being parents.  I want to help make families.

Short Term - This is where I am stuck.  I've been thinking about this all week.  I feel like I have to give the right answer but I don't know what that is. (My brain isn't exactly the nicest person to me.)  To be honest sometimes it changes from day to day.  

    Some days it's easy.  I want to make dean's list this semester.  Some days, my goal is to just make it through the next hour.  Make it through the day.  Some days, it's just to be able to get out of bed.  I guess you can have more than one short term goal.  I want to adult successfully, which I guess is an ultimate long term goal.  I have two rooms that need to be cleaned out and set up.  I have to go through my parent's things and get rid of stuff.  I have to go through a combined 70 years worth of stuff.  I start to work on it, get overwhelmed and shut down.  Having to figure out what my short term goal is overwhelms me than taking a test.  

    

New Beginnings

Mom and Dad,

I got a new job.  It's at a law firm in Sundance Square.  I know you'd be so proud.  Dad, I'm sure you'd have come to lunch with me a LOT.  Mom, I'm not walking the mall, but I'm walking around downtown every day at lunch.  The scenery is better and the temptation to drain my pocketbook at Bath & Body Works isn't there. Dad, I stole the photos from your office.  They are here at my office.  Mom, I did the same with your photos.  Now I can see you guys every day when I'm here.  I have my degree and certificates on the wall also.  Everyone here is SO amazing.  I even have a bed here for the dogs, should I ever choose to bring them here.  I can see the fountains in the plaza and even on the 9th floor, my window opens, so that I can let the breeze in, or just listen to the sounds of the water and people.

Tomorrow is the induction ceremony for Phi Theta Kappa, Beta Delta Omicron Chapter of Honor Society.  I'm so excited.  Even my boss is coming.  I wish I could look out and see your faces in the crowd.  I would love for you to meet Prof. B.  I had him for most of my classes and in my hardest moments, he pushed me to keep going.  He probably doesn't even know how much he helped.

I walked the stage in May.  Brandi and Chris walked with me as we made our way through the cattle call.  It was soooo much fun!  Momma and Brad sat with Ryan in the stands.  It was too hot to take photos that day, so now that it's gotten cooler out, we are going to go to the water gardens and the courthouse to take photos.  

I know the house is a disaster right now.  I will get that taken care of.  It's just too hard right now.

There is so much more, I'm sure.  I just can't think of it at the moment.

It hurts.  I know you are in a much better place now, but I'm angry at times.  I didn't have enough time.  You never taught me how to live without you.  You never prepared me for just how much this would hurt.  I'm angry because if y'all hadn't been so stinking stubborn, you'd probably still be here.  

I miss you.

I love you.

I hurt.

                                      

Grief

 

This photo was taken on a sunny day in October, 2021 in the parking lot of the Tom Thumb in Pantego, Texas.

    I haven't written in a while.  I have another blog.  I don't feel as if this belongs there.  This post is hard.  It's probably the hardest thing I've ever had to write.  No, I'm sure every post will be hard to write.  

    On a beautiful sunny day in October, as I was heading to see my mom, I stopped at Tom Thumb for something....not too sure what now.  I saw this as I was coming out of the store and snapped a photo.  I've never seen something like this before and I thought about how beautiful it was.  When I pulled up at my mom's place, the hospice nurse was outside waiting for me.  In my heart, I already knew what she was going to say.  

    I called my sister, husband and my son.  If we were going to see her, it had to be now.  My dad couldn't come because he was in the hospital and thanks to covid, we couldn't go and pick him up without messing up his stuff.  We called my dad with FaceTime.  We all stayed for a while and talked to my mom.  

After a while everyone left and it was just my mom and I.  It's kind of fitting.  She and I were always together.  We were inseparable.  Where one of us was, usually the other was close at hand.  A little after 8 that evening, my mother took her last breath on this Earth and joined her parents and multitudes of cousins, aunts and uncles in Heaven.

    I called everyone, my dad, my sister, my husband, my son, his dad's family, my aunts and uncles, then our friends and my biological siblings.  I finally called my birthmother.  I think it was the next day.  That relationship is a story for another blog and time though.  It took several days for me to call everyone that I could think of.  

    Pain.  So much pain.  When you hear someone say that a broken heart hurts, you never think of the physical pain.  You just think that it's emotional and that someday, it will go away.  I've always lumped grief in with that.  There is a reason we have the word heartache.  It is a physical pain. Some days it's a dull ache and some days, there is a knife in there, and someone is just twisting it over and over.  The pain is so unbearable that it's hard to breathe.  You can't eat because the pain your feeling is so great that it makes you nauseous.  

    I've been told that the pain doesn't go away, it just hurts different over time.    I'm tired of the hurt.  It's not just hurt.  I'm angry too sometimes.  I'm angry because I'm not ready to live without her.  I'm angry because it hurts so much.  I'm angry because my life will forever be different and I don't want it to be.  I'm angry because the one person I called every day to talk about everything from big decisions to the most mundane chit chat, is gone.  She was my best friend, my ride or die, my person.

The posts that follow this will follow me as I navigate this journey.  

This is my story.  

This is my grief.