4th of July

 

So the 4th of July has become a tradition in our home.  Trooper always gets to ride with me.  This is the first time that I have actually pulled the float for the alumni association.  Trooper sat on my leg the entire time.  He is such a calm and chill boy.  For him, this is just another day.  We have a new addition to our parade this year.  We adopted Doodle over spring break this past March.  She rode in Chris lap in his truck.  She was so adorable and had the cutest dress to wear too.  It's hard to look at this girl and not fall in love with her.  She is the boss of the Randerson household and she knows it.  Doodle and Tropper both had the best time as evidenced by the naps they took as soon as we got home.  That sling....HOT!  I got a heat rash, so I've had the sling off and keeping my arm as cold as possible.  

Summer Break

 

So we kinda did a thing to start off summer break.  With the coming heat, the room we were in just gets too hot.  Gotta love the western facing windows.  We moved our bedroom into the master bedroom of the house.  This was my parent's room for almost 47 years. This was a hard move for me.  I know that I wasn't going to arrange it the same way they had.  I just couldn't.  It's been hard to be in there.  The first couple of weeks, I'm sure I didn't sleep at all.  Those pink, mauve, taupe, whatever you want to call it is awful.  This room will be painted.  For now, we deal with it.  I will gradually figure out how to make this room our room and not mom & dad's.  

We had to move the bedrooms in one weekend so that it would be done before I had shoulder surgery.  It's a long recovery process.  There will be lots of therapy and it will be months before I'm 100%.  The pain immediately after was so much less than it was going in, so it is totally worth it to me.  The hardest part is the staying as immobile as possible.  Especially when the dogs want on your lap and in your face.  I'm not, nor have I ever been all that good at sitting still for any length of time.  I have streamed all of my favorite shows and movies and now I'm starting over.  I wanted to wait for summer break so that I wouldn't miss any school or have any issues.  I live in Texas...  Not exactly my brightest idea, but summer is really the only time of year that I will have a break long enough.  Either the heat or sitting still is going to be the death of me.  This is going to be worth it.  This is going to be a very long summer.

Graduation Day

Main Street Fort Worth, Tx
May 19, 2023

Graduation Day.  Usually those are filled with absolute joy.  This one is bittersweet though.  It is finally the end of my chapter at Tarrant County College.  Leaving a school that is so familiar to me for so long is definitely hard.  The hardest part was not having my parents there to see me.  As you can see, I have a couple of stoles, a medal and cords.  The white stole is because I am a first generation student.  The yellow stole, medal and cords are from Phi Theta Kappa which is the Honor Society for Tarrant County College.  

Sundance Square
Fort Worth, Tx.

In place of my parents, my dad's closest friend came to my graduation.  He is such an amazing man.  He has been an amazing support and is always up for a baseball game, football game, and I'm sure if we can, hockey game.  Daddy & Geoff called ball together for many years.  Geoff has watched me grow up, make many mistakes, and finding my path.  I am thankful for Geoff and for him being a pillar and father figure in my life.  I know that mom and dad are both smiling down on him.

Sundance Square
Fort Worth, Texas

My wonderful husband.  He was the one that told me to go back to school.  He has been the force that drives me to keep going.  Especially on the hard days.  Especially when I don't want to do anything or go anywhere.  When I want to give up.  This journey to finish my education wouldn't be possible without this man right here.  He refuses to let me quit.  He pushes me to do the best I can when it gets too hard.  When the tears come because I just can't get my brain to grasp the concept, he is there to comfort me, kiss my forehead, then push me to keep going.  

School has been fun, and it's been incredibly hard.  While finishing my last class at TCC, I started my first semester at Texas Wesleyan University.  It was hard.  I was working full time.  I was taking 5 classes.  I was struggling.  There were not many friends to be made.  The quantity of work was far more than I'd ever had to do.  I wasn't sleeping, and I wasn't being very successful.  My grade for the first semester was ok.  Lower than I wanted it to be.  I wanted to quit.  I lost my confidence.  My husband and son both pushed me to keep going.  I didn't want to give it a second chance.  I wanted to just walk away.  On top of that, I lost my job.  I was just done and discouraged.  Chris talked me into taking the summer off completely, give myself a break and at least do one more semester and see how that works out.  So we shall see how it goes.  

 

Goals, goals and more goals.

 I was recently asked about my goals.  I was asked about my long term goal and also a more immediate short term goal.  I don't know why, but when I'm asked questions like that where there could be an infinite number of answers, it's debilitatingly overwhelming.  I go blank.  I shut down. Most times I just sit there with my mouth open unable to make a noise.  It happened tonight when my husband told me to pick where we order from.

Goals:

Long Term - This one is easy becauseI have been working for this since 2020.  Thanks Ms. Rona for giving me some time.  I want to be an attorney.  More specifically, a family attorney that specializes in adoptions.  I was adopted at birth.  It didn't always make my life easy.  

     There were times that I was proud of being adopted.  There were times I was ashamed, because in my twisted little brain, I felt that I was thrown out like yesterday's trash.  Yea, I know, that's not true.  Bullies ruin lots of things.  My parents always offered to help me find my birthparents when I turned 18.  I didn't take them up on that right away.  Then I had an unplanned pregnancy and made the decision to place the baby for adoption.  Last minute change of plans and I became a mom to an amazing boy.  Then I needed information.  I was scared.  I needed advice that I thought only my birthmother could give me.  She was always standoffish, but we still had a relationship for almost twenty years.  Then she'd said some incredibly nasty things.  I realized then just how much my mom and dad had been my best friends, my confidantes and my advisors.  It's crazy how you never realize these things until they are gone.  I want to give back to families like mine.  I want to help those that didn't plan on being parents.  I want to help make families.

Short Term - This is where I am stuck.  I've been thinking about this all week.  I feel like I have to give the right answer but I don't know what that is. (My brain isn't exactly the nicest person to me.)  To be honest sometimes it changes from day to day.  

    Some days it's easy.  I want to make dean's list this semester.  Some days, my goal is to just make it through the next hour.  Make it through the day.  Some days, it's just to be able to get out of bed.  I guess you can have more than one short term goal.  I want to adult successfully, which I guess is an ultimate long term goal.  I have two rooms that need to be cleaned out and set up.  I have to go through my parent's things and get rid of stuff.  I have to go through a combined 70 years worth of stuff.  I start to work on it, get overwhelmed and shut down.  Having to figure out what my short term goal is overwhelms me than taking a test.  

    

New Beginnings

Mom and Dad,

I got a new job.  It's at a law firm in Sundance Square.  I know you'd be so proud.  Dad, I'm sure you'd have come to lunch with me a LOT.  Mom, I'm not walking the mall, but I'm walking around downtown every day at lunch.  The scenery is better and the temptation to drain my pocketbook at Bath & Body Works isn't there. Dad, I stole the photos from your office.  They are here at my office.  Mom, I did the same with your photos.  Now I can see you guys every day when I'm here.  I have my degree and certificates on the wall also.  Everyone here is SO amazing.  I even have a bed here for the dogs, should I ever choose to bring them here.  I can see the fountains in the plaza and even on the 9th floor, my window opens, so that I can let the breeze in, or just listen to the sounds of the water and people.

Tomorrow is the induction ceremony for Phi Theta Kappa, Beta Delta Omicron Chapter of Honor Society.  I'm so excited.  Even my boss is coming.  I wish I could look out and see your faces in the crowd.  I would love for you to meet Prof. B.  I had him for most of my classes and in my hardest moments, he pushed me to keep going.  He probably doesn't even know how much he helped.

I walked the stage in May.  Brandi and Chris walked with me as we made our way through the cattle call.  It was soooo much fun!  Momma and Brad sat with Ryan in the stands.  It was too hot to take photos that day, so now that it's gotten cooler out, we are going to go to the water gardens and the courthouse to take photos.  

I know the house is a disaster right now.  I will get that taken care of.  It's just too hard right now.

There is so much more, I'm sure.  I just can't think of it at the moment.

It hurts.  I know you are in a much better place now, but I'm angry at times.  I didn't have enough time.  You never taught me how to live without you.  You never prepared me for just how much this would hurt.  I'm angry because if y'all hadn't been so stinking stubborn, you'd probably still be here.  

I miss you.

I love you.

I hurt.

                                      

Grief

 

This photo was taken on a sunny day in October, 2021 in the parking lot of the Tom Thumb in Pantego, Texas.

    I haven't written in a while.  I have another blog.  I don't feel as if this belongs there.  This post is hard.  It's probably the hardest thing I've ever had to write.  No, I'm sure every post will be hard to write.  

    On a beautiful sunny day in October, as I was heading to see my mom, I stopped at Tom Thumb for something....not too sure what now.  I saw this as I was coming out of the store and snapped a photo.  I've never seen something like this before and I thought about how beautiful it was.  When I pulled up at my mom's place, the hospice nurse was outside waiting for me.  In my heart, I already knew what she was going to say.  

    I called my sister, husband and my son.  If we were going to see her, it had to be now.  My dad couldn't come because he was in the hospital and thanks to covid, we couldn't go and pick him up without messing up his stuff.  We called my dad with FaceTime.  We all stayed for a while and talked to my mom.  

After a while everyone left and it was just my mom and I.  It's kind of fitting.  She and I were always together.  We were inseparable.  Where one of us was, usually the other was close at hand.  A little after 8 that evening, my mother took her last breath on this Earth and joined her parents and multitudes of cousins, aunts and uncles in Heaven.

    I called everyone, my dad, my sister, my husband, my son, his dad's family, my aunts and uncles, then our friends and my biological siblings.  I finally called my birthmother.  I think it was the next day.  That relationship is a story for another blog and time though.  It took several days for me to call everyone that I could think of.  

    Pain.  So much pain.  When you hear someone say that a broken heart hurts, you never think of the physical pain.  You just think that it's emotional and that someday, it will go away.  I've always lumped grief in with that.  There is a reason we have the word heartache.  It is a physical pain. Some days it's a dull ache and some days, there is a knife in there, and someone is just twisting it over and over.  The pain is so unbearable that it's hard to breathe.  You can't eat because the pain your feeling is so great that it makes you nauseous.  

    I've been told that the pain doesn't go away, it just hurts different over time.    I'm tired of the hurt.  It's not just hurt.  I'm angry too sometimes.  I'm angry because I'm not ready to live without her.  I'm angry because it hurts so much.  I'm angry because my life will forever be different and I don't want it to be.  I'm angry because the one person I called every day to talk about everything from big decisions to the most mundane chit chat, is gone.  She was my best friend, my ride or die, my person.

The posts that follow this will follow me as I navigate this journey.  

This is my story.  

This is my grief.

Blessings in the Storm

This is was my view as I ate breakfast this morning.  It may not seem like much, but to me, It's beautiful.  Valentine's day is a reminder for us to remind our loved ones how much they are loved.

Valentine's Day has become much like Christmas.  People go out and spend crazy kinds of money on fancy dinners, gifts and everything else under the sun.  Don't get me wrong, I love the occasional gifts of candy.  Who doesn't?  This year is different.  For us, this "holiday" seems to fall at a bad time.

Yesterday started off good.  I made us both breakfast, we ran some errands, then we got into a tiff.  Nothing major and it's not like we won't have many more in our lives together.  He got upset at something I said, then I crawled into my shell and shut down.  I started by not communicating my point very well.  He got upset, then it just went downhill.  We talked about it a bit later, and things were good again.

I saw a video in Pinterest (that is a very dangerous place for me...much like Target) and I decided that I wanted us to make this dessert as a team for Valentine's day.  Due to my lack of cooking skills, I had to modify the recipe to something that I could make and not burn the house down (don't ask, you don't want to know).  They turned out really good and yes, they were delicious!

Chris had to run back to the store because I don't keep real sugar in the house.  We just don't ever use it.  I was still frustrated and upset about how the day seemed to be going, so I laid down on the couch to feel sorry for myself.  I know, that was very selfish of me.  Be honest, everyone does that from time to time.  We are human.  While he was at the store he got some flowers and a card.  When he got home, he put them on the table then called me out to the kitchen for a hug.  Still feeling sorry for myself, I got up and went in there to get a hug.  I was so wrapped up in my own selfishness that I didn't see the flowers on the table.  He had to tell me to look at the table.  Being me, I started crying (I know, I cry over EVERYTHING).  When I finally stopped crying, he apologized because he didn't feel like it was enough.  He said that it was all he could get right now, because things have been tight for a while.  To him, the gift was small and not worth much.  To me, it's worth more than all the gold in the world.  His love for me is one of my most valued treasures.  It's not about the gifts or the size of the gifts, it's about the love that is shown and given through those gifts.  I feel his love in the smallest of gestures as well as the grand gestures.  He is my soulmate, best friend, partner, etc..  Those flowers and the sweet bear mean the world to me.

Since things have been tight, we made our own Valentine's Day Dinner.  I forgot how much I sometimes like to cook.  As long as it's easy anyway.  I think I did good.  We had marinated chicken with cheese on top, broccoli & cheese and shells and cheese.  Kinda into the cheese thing I guess.  It was really good.  Ryan was a sweetheart also.  He gave us some time at dinner to have it be just Chris and I.  He then joined us for the remainder of the meal.  I couldn't take a photo of the table by candlelight because it just wouldn't turn out.  It was still too dark, but if I used the flash, it washed out everything.  This was the table before we ate.

It's a given that Ryan and Chris are my main squeezes and my valentines, but I also have Scooter and Shelley.  I couldn't get Shelley to sit still for a good photo.  Clearly I love all things Dachshund.  As evidenced by my Wine bottle (Beer bottle) holder.  I also have many other decorations.  My wonderful mother in law knows me far too well!

I have to say that I'm truly blessed.  Looking at the photos, there are so many things to be thankful for in my life.  Do we have our share of struggles right now?  Absolutely!  Will we get through them?  I have no doubt.  

I've been reading a daily devotional called Jesus Calling.  It was a gift from one of my CRHP sisters.  Over the last few weeks, it seems as if each day was written for the struggles I'm facing that day.  Today's seemed spot on with how I felt when I woke up today.  Life has been so overwhelming as of late and my fear and anxiety have taken hold as they always do when I don't know the plan ahead or what the future holds.  What hit me the most is probably one of my favorite verses.  Luke 1:37 - For nothing is impossible with God.

Two songs that have been in heavy rotation on my phone and in my head lately are Oh My Soul and Praise You in this Storm both by Casting Crowns.  Again, these lyrics speak to my life right now.  Over the last few years, I've stayed strong in my faith no matter what came my way.  Then in October, we had some stuff happen with Ryan that shook me to my core.  It's been a slow daily battle for him mostly, but for us also.  He has to have the will to get better, and he does.  It's just a very slow and sometimes agonizing process.  Those that need to know, already do.  Please don't ask.  Nothing personal, just still very painful to talk about.  On top of that, we've had more storms come our way.  Gradually, Chris has found his faith and has been my rock as I seem to be losing mine at times.  During a particularly trying week, Chris came to know the Lord and was Baptized last month.  His faith has been so much stronger than mine but seeing his faith has pushed me to cling to mine stronger again.  These two songs (I've attached the links below) just seem to speak to exactly what is going on with us.  God is good.  Nothing is impossible for Him.  Some days, that's hard to remember.  Other days, it's easy to turn to Him and say "take this".  I'm not good at it, and I  know that nobody is.  Some times its a day by day, and some times it's one very small and agonizing step at a time.

Oh My Soul - Casting Crowns

Praise You In this Storm - Casting Crowns

I leave you with the two photos below of the gift from my husband.  It's not the size, it's the amount of love.  That is the most important and valuable part of the gift.  The love.

Psalm 23:4 - Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

Luke 1:37 - For nothing is impossible with God